Artist: BLACKPINK
Album: THE ALBUM
Label: YG Entertainment / Interscope
Tracklist and Lyrics: Genius Page
Release date: October 2, 2020
popheads [FRESH] thread: Here
Listen: Apple Music | Spotify

• THE PRELUDE
• PART 1. THE GROUP
• PART 2. THE MEMBERS
• PART 3. THE ERA
• PART 4. THE TRACKS
• PART 5. THE CONCLUSION
• THE DISCUSSION QUESTIONS
• a note from the author

THE PRELUDE

My first memory of Blackpink was around the summer of 2017 when someone in the Popheads Plug.dj room played “As If It’s Your Last”. That song was stuck in my head ever since I first heard it. It had everything I wanted from a K-pop song at that time - a fire rap verse, beautiful vocals, an upbeat production that had an addictive pop bubblegum melody in the chorus. The gorgeous music video definitely played a huge factor on the song’s memorability.
A few months later, I was watching Justice League with my relatives when Barry Allen aka The Flash arrives at his Flash secret den, only to be surprised to find Bruce Wayne aka Batman waiting for him. Why am I mentioning this scene? Behind Batfleck (a portmanteau of Batman and Ben Affleck) is the TV screen of the “As If It’s Your Last” music video and the song can be heard for a few seconds before fading into focus on the dialogue between Batman and The Flash. Being in a Southeastern Country where the influence of the Hallyu wave is huge since the early 2000s, everyone in the theater were pleasantly surprised by the fact that a K-pop song, let alone a song from a group with only 5 songs at that time, was featured in a Hollywood superhero movie. At that moment, I had a huge feeling that the song being featured in Justice League will increase the presence of K-pop in the West to the point that a K-pop song actually charts in Billboard Hot 100 soon and BLACKPINK is going to be one of those groups.
To my surprise, I was actually right.
BTS and Blackpink are the most popular K-pop groups right now thanks to their success in the West, which was the place that is quite hesitant to accept K-pop as a dominant force in pop culture despite its popularity outside the West, especially in Asia. The groups’ appearances in the Billboard Hot 100 and UK Singles Charts definitely made Western labels realize that K-pop is a dominant force globally.
As part of the Popheads Album of the Year 2020 series, I take a look at Blackpink's first full album appropriately titled “The Album''. Their debut full album was highly anticipated as it took four years since their debut in 2016 to finally make this happen. With this post, I deconstruct Blackpink’s history and their legacy, how the tracks fared as an album, and why “The Album” deserves its place as the “Popheads’ Album of the Year”.

PART 1. THE GROUP

When Blackpink made their debut on August 8, 2016, the anticipation was high as they were YG Entertainment’s second girl group after 2NE1. The high anticipation is also because the group was supposed to debut in 2012 after YG’s founder and now-former CEO Yang Hyun-suk teased a possibility of a second girl group back in 2011.
The name for YG’s second girl group wasn’t even called Blackpink in the first place as the group was initially named “Pink Punk”. “Pink Punk” was supposed to be YG’s answer to SM Entertainment’s Girls Generation (SNSD) as the initial number of members were supposed to match the number of members of SNSD, which is nine members. YG even uploaded videos of some trainees who were likely to be members of Pink Punk to build public interest before the group’s supposed to debut.
And then, Pink Punk never happened. Yang Hyun-suk’s indecisive, premature decisions during his time as CEO of YG is the reason why he earned so much infamy within the K-pop community, along with other things. But let’s not delve into that.
Between 2011 and 2016, it was clear that this second girl group went through drastic changes. The line-up of members changed from nine to seven, then to five, to just four. Besides Pink Punk, the group had other possible names such as “Baby Monster” and “Magnum”. I honestly wonder what kind of crack did the people in YG Entertainment smoke to think that these are legitimately good names for their second girl group. Did they get that crack from Senguri? We may never know.
Blackpink’s debut was an instant success as they released their debut double singles “Whistle” and “Boombayah”, compiled as a single album “Square One”. “Whistle” and “Boombayah” debuted at #1 and #7 at South Korean Gaon Digital Charts respectively. The group also became the fastest girl group to earn a win in a Korean music show as Inkigayo gave the group a trophy win for “Whistle”. Looking back, the group said that debuting with “Whistle” as their first single was risky at that time due to it having a “weird country vibe” and its minimal production, which led many people at YG against its release.
They followed “Square One” with the next single album “Square Two” with singles “Playing with Fire” and “Stay”, which both aim to show Blackpink’s softer side, compared to the chaotic, party-vibe of “Square One”.
While most K-pop groups usually have at least two to three comebacks per year, it seems like Blackpink only has one comeback per year based on the release pattern of when the group has their comebacks.
On June 2, 2017, they released their comeback standalone single “As If It’s Your Last”. The following year, they finally released their first mini-album (which is basically an EP) “Squared Up” on June 15, 2018. “DDU-DU DDU-DU”, the mini-album’s title single (K-pop equivalent to lead single) propelled Blackpink to global popularity especially in the West as the single debuted at #55 and #78 in the Billboard Hot 100 and the UK Singles Chart respectively. This marks their first appearance in these charts. Additionally, the song’s music video is currently the second most-viewed K-pop music video with 1.4 billion viewers, being only behind Gangnam Style by former fellow YG artist Psy with 3.9 billion viewers.
In 2019, Blackpink released their second mini-album “Kill This Love” on April 4. The release of the mini-album was significant as it’s the group’s first release under Interscope Records, which distributes their music and handles their promotions in countries outside Asia. The titular track peaked at #41 on Billboard Hot 100 and #33 on the UK Singles Chart. This era is best remembered for the group’s promotions in the West as a result of their increasing popularity, specifically their iconic Coachella appearance that made them the first K-pop girl group to perform in the festival. Their Coachella gig highlighted the group’s stage presence and high energy as performers, backed with a live band that complimented the group’s electronic-style music. It’s Blackpink like we never saw before and it’s definitely a refreshing contrast to their more calculated promotions in their home country of South Korea.

PART 2. THE MEMBERS

A huge part of Blackpink’s appeal are the members. Their beauty and charismatic personalities are some of the reasons why the group has a huge fanbase of Blinks, which is the fandom name of the group. Obviously, K-pop idols are trained to be charismatic. But there is something about the dynamic of the members that feel unmatched and they harmonize well together as a group.
It’s sort of a relief that YG didn’t stick to their plan of having a nine-member girl group. During training, Jennie said that the female trainees are shuffled to different groups every two months and there would be “little fights” on who gets assigned to positions in the group such as vocals, rapping, and dancing. When grouped with Lisa, Jisoo, and Rosé, Jennie said it was already clear on who gets the parts.
Each member of the group carries the whole group in their own different ways. They all have different backgrounds, different motivations on why they wanted to become idols and trainees under YG, and different skills that make Blackpink as a whole.
I will be describing the members in the order they were revealed before their debut.

Jennie

Jennie Kim was the first member to be revealed as part of Blackpink on June 1, 2016. She is the group’s assigned main rapper and lead vocalist.
Jennie was born as an only child to wealthy parents on January 16, 1996, in Seoul, South Korea. Jennie moved to Auckland at the age of eight after she was asked by her mother if she liked the place during their visit there. Jennie seemed to adjust her life well in New Zealand and she was featured in a documentary titled “English, Must Change to Survive” for South Korean broadcaster MBC about her experience as a Korean kid living in a foreign land.
Jennie moved back to Seoul in 2010 after not being interested in taking up law in the United States, which was suggested by her mother who eventually supported her daughter’s decision. While Jennie didn’t have any formal musical background growing up, she was interested in K-pop during her stay in New Zealand. She auditioned for YG Entertainment as a vocalist, in which she performed “Take a Bow” by Rihanna. While Jennie was accepted as a trainee under YG, the judges advised her to train for the role of a rapper as she is the only trainee who can speak English.
A trainee for five years, Jennie was one of the most popular trainees in YG and has already gained recognition before her eventual debut as a Blackpink member. YG uploaded videos of Jennie covering “Strange Clouds" by B.o.B. featuring Lil Wayne and “Lotus Flower Bomb” by Wale while she was a trainee. She also appeared as a featured artist for Senguri’s “GG Be” and G-Dragon’s “Black” in their respective solo albums, which she performed with the latter in Inkigayo making it her stage debut Because of her early popularity, Jennie was highly speculated to be part of the original line-up of Pink Punk before the idea was scrapped.
After the release of “Square Up”, Jennie became the first member of the group to debut as a soloist. She released her debut solo single aptly titled “Solo” on November 12, 2018. The music video is the most-viewed music video by a Korean female solo artist with 600 million views on YouTube.
Just recently, she launched her own YouTube channel on her 26th birthday where she intends to create vlogs about her everyday life. Her first vlog served as an introduction to her channel which included a cover of Tangled’s “When Will My Life Begin?” by Mandy Moore. The vlog has already gotten 10.9 million views two days after its release.

Lisa

Lalisa Manoban, known by her stage name Lisa, was revealed as the second member of Blackpink on June 8, 2016. Lisa is the assigned main dancer, lead rapper, and sub vocalist of the group. She is also the “maknae” of the group, meaning she is the youngest member of the group, as well as the only non-Korean member in the group.
Lisa’s birth name is actually different as she was born under the name “Pranpriya” before legally changing to Lalisa. She was born in Thailand on March 27, 1997.
Lisa took dance lessons at four years old and often competed in dance competitions. She was part of the Thai dance crew “We Zaa Cool'' with childhood friend and fellow K-pop idol BamBam from GOT7. She also competed in a singing competition where she represented her school, ending up as a runner-up.
Inspired by her idols and eventual YG labelmates BIGBANG and 2NE1, Lisa had her eyes on the K-pop industry. She auditioned for YG Entertainment when the agency visited Thailand. Out of the 4,000 Thai applicants, she was the only one accepted to be a trainee under YG. Lisa began her 5-year trainee journey in 2011 as she is YG’s first foreign trainee. Like Jennie, she was speculated to be part of the original line-up of “Pink Punk”. Her highly impressive skills as a dancer have always led her to be assigned as the main dancer in different groups that she designs most of the choreography herself. While still training, YG released a video of 16-year-old Lisa performing “Turn Up The Music”, albeit she was nameless in the video.
Lisa is the group’s most popular member as she is the most followed member on Instagram with 45.2 million followers. Her widely-shared dance performance of “Swalla” in the Blackpink In Your Area tour and the “Did It Work?” memes that surrounded her legs contributed to her worldwide popularity.
In 2020, Lisa released a limited edition photobook on her birthday aptly titled “0327”, which consisted of photos she took with her film camera that included some shots of her fellow members.
Outside of her Blackpink duties, Lisa is a dance mentor of the Chinese survival show “Youth With You”. She was dubbed as “Mentor Lisa” by Blinks as her strict mentoring style in the show surprised everyone since it was the opposite of her shy personality. Her fellow members have teased Lisa over her strict mentoring style.

Jisoo

Kim Ji-soo, more commonly known by her first name, was revealed as the third member of Blackpink on June 15, 2016. She is the group’s lead vocalist and “visual” member, meaning she is the most attractive member according to Korean beauty standards. She is also the eldest member of the group, making her the “eonie” of the group.
Jisoo was born on January 3, 1995, in South Korea and she grew up with a close, extended family. Despite being a visual member, Jisoo was bullied as a kid about her appearance by her relatives who often called her a monkey.
Being an idol was not on Jisoo’s radar growing up. She wanted to involve herself in the arts as she considered wanting to become an actress, a painter, or a writer. She developed her acting skills by joining a drama club during her time as a student.
Despite not knowing about YG when she auditioned, Jisoo was accepted as a trainee and began her 5-year trainee journey. Like Jennie and Lisa, Jisoo was speculated to be part of the original line-up of Pink Punk. Before her debut, she made appearances in commercials for Samsonite, LG, and Nikon.
There is always one member in a K-pop group that would likely become actors later in their careers and Jisoo is one of them. It isn’t surprising as she has openly shown her interest in becoming an actress and the members even remarked that she would win an Oscar for her “acting face” alone. Before her debut, she had a cameo appearance in an episode of the KBS show “The Producers” with labelmates Dara of 2NE1. Now a K-pop idol, Jisoo appeared in a role in tvN’s fantasy-drama “Arthdal Chronicles” where she played her first fictional character. Jisoo will be starring in an upcoming JTBC drama “Snowdrop” that is slated to premiere later this year.

Rosé

Park Chae-young, more commonly known as Rosé, is the fourth and last member to be revealed as part of Blackpink on June 22, 2016. She is the assigned main vocalist and lead dancer in the group.
Rosé’s English name is Roséanne Park as she was born outside Korea and grew up living overseas. She was born on February 11, 1997, in Auckland, New Zealand. Her family moved to Melbourne, Australia when she was eight years old.
While Lisa’s musical background is more on dancing, Rosé’s musical background is more on singing as she grew up singing in a choir and has played the guitar often in school. When YG went to Australia to look for potential trainees, she was advised by her father to try auditioning. After being accepted as a YG trainee, she had to drop out of school and move to Seoul within two months. Rosé said it was difficult to be separated from her family during training. Despite feeling homesick, she was determined to become a K-pop idol.
Rosé had no formal experience with dancing, which caught her off-guard when she first trained. She definitely had a lot of time to hone her dancing skills that she eventually became the lead singer in the group. Before her debut, Rosé was a featured artist in G-Dragon’s song “Without You” in 2012.
Given her position as the main vocalist, Blinks have been anticipating her solo debut. She has released covers of Halsey’s “Eyes Open” and Nat King Cole’s “The Christmas Song”, which really showcased her unique vocals. During the COVID-19 pandemic, she covered a series of songs in a jam session that was live-streamed on her Instagram page. Rosé will finally make her debut as a soloist early this year and teasers are expected to pop-up as reports say that she finished filming the music video of her solo debut. Given YG’s well-recorded unreliably on their commitments, we could only hope this would finally push through.
While I have described every member of Blackpink, there’s one more person that needs to be mentioned as he plays a crucial factor in Blackpink’s success.

Teddy Park

Teddy Park is a former member of YG’s boy group “1TYM” and now an in-house producer for YG Entertainment. He wrote and produced many iconic tracks for BIGBANG and 2NE1 such as Fantastic Baby and I Am The Best respectively.
Teddy produced the majority of Blackpink’s discography and has received songwriting credits of Blackpink’s collaborations with Dua Lipa (Kiss and Make Up) and Lady Gaga (Sour Candy). According to the album’s production credits, he is credited as the album producer and creative director for the group.

PART 3. THE ERA

When YG announced on May 4, 2020, that Blackpink finished recording their first full album and will shoot a music video for their pre-single later that month, the news was met with cautious optimism. YG has a track record of promising things that didn’t come to fruition so this announcement was understandably taken with a grain of salt.
It’s worth pointing out that the group was previously featured on “Sour Candy” by Lady Gaga as a promo single for her album “Chromatica”, which indicates that Blackpink might be coming out with their new material. Also, Interscope is capitalizing on the increasing popularity of K-pop in the West by investing Blackpink in their roster. With this, YG has to commit to its schedule. And so they did by dropping a teaser poster a month later that revealed that the pre-release single will drop on June 26.
The pre-release single would later turn out to be called “How You Like That?”, which was met with huge anticipation as teaser posters and videos of the members were revealed until its release. The single became an instant success the moment it dropped as the music video’s premiere was watched by 1.66 million simultaneous viewers on YouTube, making it the highest-rated YouTube Premiere. It was also the fastest music video to hit 100 million viewers in just 32 hours before BTS’ “Dynamite” took over the title two months later, beating Blackpink with 24 hours The song itself was a hit in the charts. It debuted at #32 on Billboard Hot 100 and #20 on the UK Singles Charts.
Blackpink then teased the release of their second pre-release single featuring an unnamed artist on July 23 that will be released a month later. It was widely speculated that Ariana Grande is the unnamed artist that the hashtag “#AriPink” trended on Twitter. It was later revealed that Grande is actually one of the songwriters of the single and that Selena Gomez is the actual unnamed artist on August 11. The title would later be revealed as “Ice Cream” on August 22. The single’s music video, in which the scenes had to be shot separately in South Korea and Los Angeles due to the COVID-19 pandemic, gathered 79.08 million viewers in 24 hours. The single is currently Blackpink’s highest-peaking single on Billboard Hot 100, debuting at #13.
Throughout the hype of Ice Cream, YG announced on July 28 that Blackpink will FINALLY release their first full album titled “The Album” on October 2. The name was met with mixed reactions, calling it “lazy”. However, Rosé said that they have worked on the album for so long that simply calling it “The Album” is the best way to describe their project because it’s so straightforward - “Blackpink: The Album”.
Accompanying the album’s release on October 2 is the release of the album’s title track “Lovesick Girls”, which became the sixth biggest 24-hour music video debut at 61.4 million viewers. While the song peaked at #59 on Billboard Hot 100, the new Billboard Global 200 showed that the song debuted and peaked at #2, with the song topping the separate Global Chart that excluded the US.
In-between the releases of the singles was Blackpink’s new reality TV show on YouTube called “Blackpink: 24/365”, which showcased various activities that the members participated in, such as pottery making and kart racing, as well as revealing behind the scenes footage of their music videos. The 16-episode reality series served as a way to promote the group and the album’s release. The series began on June 13 with a prologue until it aired its finale on October 24. It was supposed to have one more episode that was scheduled on October 31 before being pulled off after Chinese netizens were concerned over a clip of the episode’s teaser that showed the members touching a baby panda without gloves and masks during the pandemic.
To cap off the era, a Netflix documentary film about the group was made under the title, “Blackpink: Light Up the Sky”, which documented Blackpink’s first four years as a group featuring behind the scenes videos and footage during their training days. It also showed the friendship between the members and their producer Teddy, their retrospective look on their training days, as well as their struggles of keeping up the busy lifestyle as K-pop idols. The documentary film also showed the girls recording the songs for The Album, as well as Rosé preparing for her long-anticipated solo debut. The documentary received positive reviews, which critics liked the documentary for showing the members’ work ethic and their fun personalities.

PART 4. THE TRACKS

“The Album” is a pop album that has influences of hip-hop, R&B, and EDM, all of which compose Blackpink’s musical signature since their debut. “The Album” is composed of 8 tracks (including the three singles) with a length of 24 minutes and 26 seconds. This is somehow normal for a K-pop mini-album, but too short for a full-album. In comparison, Twice’s second full-album “Eyes wide open” has 13-tracks with a length of 43 minutes and 29 seconds.
As an eight-track album, it’s an equal mix of English and Korean songs as Blackpink attempts to market themselves in the West. All of these songs were recorded in The Black Label in South Korea, with some of the album’s mixing and additional input by producers made remotely due to the pandemic.
Teddy serves as the album’s main producer, along with YG’s in-house songwriters and producers Danny Chung, R.Tee, 24, Løren, Vince, and Future Bounce. Frequent Blackpink songwriter Bekah Boom also worked on the lyrics of “The Album”. New songwriters and producers include Victoria Monét, Tommy Brown, Steven Franks, Ariana Grande, Ryan Tedder, Melanie Fontana, Torae Carr, Jonathan Descartes, Brian Lee, Leah Haywood, David Guetta, Tushar Apte, Rob Grimaldi, Chloe George, and Steph Jones.
The featured artists in “The Album”, Selena Gomez and Cardi B, are also credited as songwriters in their respective tracks “Ice Cream” and “Bet You Wanna”. Additionally, Jennie and Jisoo received their first songwriting credits ever with “Lovesick Girls”.
For this section on the post, I will give my thoughts on each track. I will also include the line distribution statistics based on random_k’s lyric distribution videos (with the exception of Love to Hate Me which I will base on HEXA6ON’s lyric distribution video of the song) and input my thoughts on the distribution as well.

1. How You Like That?

We begin “The Album” with the first pre-release single. “How You Like That?” is an appropriate opener to the album as it’s your typical Blackpink clap-back anthem. The best way to describe my mood on this song is the way AJay reacted to the song, in which she said “This is how you open the album”.
Of course, many have criticized this song for being too familiar with the previous singles “DU-DDU-DDU-DU” and “Kill This Love” and I do agree that this song is definitely a rethread of these songs. However, I will disagree that this song didn’t serve anything new to the table. For me, “How You Like That?” basically re-defined Blackpink’s sound that complements the group’s pop and hip-hop tendencies that the previous singles haven’t reached before.
It feels redundant to talk about Blackpink’s music videos because it always expected that their music videos would always serve BUDGET regardless of the quality of the actual song. Like, look at the budget! And they shot this music video during a pandemic!

Lyric Distribution Video

• Lisa: 37.12 seconds | 29.51%
• Jennie: 33.89 seconds | 26.93%
• Rosé: 31.00 seconds | 24.64%
• Jisoo: 23.82 seconds | 18.93%

While the line distribution is not totally equal as Jisoo is missing out on ten seconds compared to other members, I feel like the line distribution is justified. You can definitely hear each member contributing their own lines in the song. Lisa being the member with the most lines also makes sense as she basically she slayed the entire second verse

2. Ice Cream (with Selena Gomez)

When Normani released “Motivation” as a single, you can definitely tell that Ariana could’ve sang this song since she is credited as a songwriter. It has the Grande fingerprints all over it. Yet, with Normani’s strong vocals that complemented the 2000s-inspired production, she owned this song with ease. My expectations for an Ariana-penned Blackpink track are quite high based on my feelings on “Motivation” alone and Selena Gomez’s contribution as the co-artist of the song propelled that higher. And oh boy, I wish I wasn’t this excited.
The most disappointing thing about Ice Cream is that it felt like Blackpink attempting to sing an Ariana reject with no sense of originality. I know it’s ironic to say this since Blackpink is basically “2NE1 Part 2” for longtime YG fans, but this song lacked that distinct Blackpink sound that made me a Blink in the first place. It’s so uninspiring and sometimes jarring to hear, even with multiple listens.
Also, the sexual overtones in the lyrics are just too fucking awkward for Blackpink to sing. With their music video that had a cute concept, this is sort of uncomfortable to go through with the sexual undertones in mind. This is the same group that had them bragging how good their bodies look in “Boombayah” and they showed their “sexier side” way better in their cover of Wonder Girls’ “So Hot”.
The only saving grace of this song, which was the reason why I could barely tolerate “Ice Cream”, is Lisa’s rap verse. I could imagine Jennie slaying if she had her own rap verse too. Honestly, Selena would have owned this song by herself without the autotune. But it’s nice to hear Selena in an upbeat song like this in a while.

Lyric Distrbution Video

• Lisa: 38.59 seconds | 27.08%
• Selena Gomez: 36.02 seconds | 25.40%
• Jennie: 29.07 seconds | 20.40%
• Jisoo: 22.21 seconds | 15.59%
• Rosé: 16.44 seconds | 11.54%

Immediately, I can’t help but think about how Jisoo got only two English lines in the song despite having more seconds than Rosé. Half of Jisoo’s lines are just “Ice cream chillin chillin”. Ugh. I know Jisoo is not a fluent English speaker but many K-pop idols who are not English speakers can sing the language well with enough practice. Thankfully, Jisoo had more English lines in other songs, but I’ll tackle that a bit later in this post.
I am honestly surprised Selena had more lines in the song than I thought because I feel like I heard more of Jennie and Rosé, which funny enough I thought Rosé had more lines.
This is definitely not the worst line distribution I have seen. It’s just that Jisoo could have sung more lines.

3. Pretty Savage

Remember the distinct Blackpink signature sound that made me a Blink in the first place? Now, this is what I am talking about.
This is the quintessential Blackpink sound that I have been waiting for since Kill This Love. I would’ve imagined that Pretty Savage as a pre-release single would've fared better than “How You Like That?” but somehow, I am sort of glad it didn’t. This is the song that Blinks needed to hear as antis have constantly dismissed Blackpink as “influencers with no talent” in response to their constant lengthy hiatuses.
Of course, with this kind of song, it’s already expected Lisa would definitely slay this song. It's nice to hear Jennie rap again after she wasn’t given those parts in the pre-release singles. The way she rapped “F bois, not my bois' ' is just too damn iconic. However, the star of the song is Jisoo who has the second verse to herself and her talking rap flow surprisingly works here. The best part is definitely her saying “Blackpink in Your Area” after being the only member not to say the iconic catchphrase for years. And of course, Rosé’s vocals in the bridge are just as amazing.
Pretty Savage is definitely one of my top favorites in “The Album”. Let’s just forget the messy choreography though.

Lyric Distrubution Video

• Lisa: 40.69 seconds | 30.21%
• Jennie: 34.42 seconds | 25.40%
• Rosé: 31.86 seconds | 23.65%
• Jisoo: 27.72 seconds | 20.58%

This is definitely one of the best lyric distributions of Blackpink so far. While Lisa exceeded ten seconds, every member can be heard equally with their outstanding lines given to them.

4. Bet You Wanna (feat. Cardi B)

Coming off from the success and controversy surrounding WAP, Cardi B and Blackpink is an odd, yet exciting collaboration. I can’t imagine any of the members taking the second verse other than Cardi. It would have been nice to hear the “supposed” explicit lyrics she had to tone down for obvious reasons. If she was allowed to swear, she would’ve sung “I bet if you make me wet, I’ll still be fire”, which plays in my head now when I hear the tone-downed version lyric (“I bet if you make me sweat, I’ll still be fire”).
Bet You Wanna could’ve been the next single after Lovesick Girls to capitalize on Cardi’s success from WAP. The entire production is so chill, yet so catchy which makes sense considering Ryan Tedder and Tommy Brown’s involvement. The song is completely in English so that this could’ve been a Top 10 hit with the right push. Unfortunately, the promotional cycle for “The Album” ended so I guess this is going to remain as a fan-favorite track for many Blinks and not a huge hit outside the fandom.

Lyric Distribution Video

• Jennie: 40.75 seconds | 28.58%
• Rosé: 38.28 seconds | 26.86%
• Jisoo: 26.78 seconds | 18.79%
• Cardi B: 25.19 seconds | 17.67%
• Lisa: 11.55 seconds | 8.10%

Not a perfect lyric distribution, but not too bad either. Each member can be heard just fine and Cardi didn’t dominate the song too much, which is fair since she is a featured artist. Lisa could’ve gotten a bit more lines, but this is also fine considering she has topped the lyric distribution in the previous songs.

5. Lovesick Girls

Considering that Blackpink’s single releases have always been upbeat clap-back anthems, the release of Lovesick Girls as a title track is quite refreshing as it aims to show the group’s more melancholy side, both in the lyrics and the production.
The most striking lyric is from the chorus where the girls sang “We are all born to be alone/But why are we still looking for love?”. This isn’t the most groundbreaking lyric at all, but it does feel a bit weird hearing that from the girls. It brings me back to the documentary where Teddy said that the songs they made for “The Album” are going to show a bit of themselves a bit more as a group.
Living as a K-pop idol is quite difficult as it is and we don’t know a lot about them since their image is very calculated by their agencies. It’s not to say they can’t be in a relationship because of the infamous “no dating” rule in the industry. The girls were probably asking themselves if they could really find love in an industry that is obsessed with perfection. Again, it’s not a very groundbreaking lyric but it does give me a bit of insight into the girls’ psyche a bit on their perspective of love.

Lyric Distribution Video

• Rosé: 58.61 seconds | 39.00%
• Jennie: 48.65 seconds | 32.37%
• Lisa: 21.90 seconds | 14.57%
• Jisoo: 21.12 seconds | 14.06%

Rosé taking up the top spot in this lyric distribution makes complete sense since this is the song that is best suited to her vocally. I have a feeling “Lovesick Girls” was a brief glimpse of what kind of song that Rosé will be releasing for her solo debut. Jennie taking up second place is quite surprising, especially her English rap verse didn’t take too long as well. The distribution on Lisa is fine, but Jisoo could’ve slightly sang more lines.

6. Crazy Over You

There’s isn’t much to talk about this song other than its production, which best utilized oriental instrumentals to hip-hop production. This isn’t the best song on “The Album”, but it isn’t as bad as well.

Lyric Distribution Video

• Jennie: 40.26 seconds | 34.03%
• Jisoo: 29.60 seconds | 25.01%
• Rosé: 26.09 seconds | 22.05%
• Lisa: 22.38 seconds | 18.91%

The lyric distribution could’ve been fair if Lisa was given more lines to rap. But I think this is fine since Jennie didn’t have a lot of rap lines in this album. It’s definitely nice to hear more of Jisoo in this song as she perfectly nailed the pre-chorus with her vocals.

7. Love to Hate Me

For some reason, Love to Hate Me reminded me so much of Ariana with the way the lyrics are sung by the girls, especially in the chorus and the ad-libs. This song serves as an appropriate penultimate track as the song delivers its final clap-back before “The Album” comes to a close with a softer pop ballad.

Lyric Distribution Video

Rosé: 28.7% Lisa: 28.1% Jennie: 26.4% Jisoo: 16.8%
Honestly, seeing lyric distributions like this where three of the members had equal parts except Jisoo makes me sad. She was close to having an equal lyrical distribution and this could’ve been done if she sang a bit more lines in the song.

8. You Never Know

We finally reach the end of “The Album” as it closes with a soft power-pop anthem that feels very in-character with Blackpink. This song already gained some attention when it was revealed that Teddy had no involvement in the song, making it the first Blackpink song without him. It’s worth pointing that out because Teddy has a mixed reaction as a main producer of the group. While I personally don’t mind Teddy as a producer, it’s quite refreshing that he isn’t involved so that the group can experiment with other producers.
This is definitely the group at their most sincere in this album, in which they address the message of not judging people based on how they look outside. This particular message rings true to the members personally and Blinks can see why.
Getting hate comments is nothing new in the K-pop industry. But Jennie seems to be the most bullied member as she was often villainized in the public eye, from her alleged “lazy dancing” scandal to the intense coverage of her short dating life with Kai from EXO. She was also unflatteringly called “YG Princess” because of accusations that the agency has favored her over other members.
With this context in mind, it was so painful to hear Jennie sing “But you'll never know unless you walk in my shoes / You'll never know my tangled strings / 'Cause everybody sees what they wanna see / It's easier to judge me than to believe” because she has faced so much criticism over nothing.
Other members have gone through similar scrutiny as well, but it’s not as bad as Jennie’s situation. All of the members worked so hard and sacrificed so much to be where they are now, so having this song that asks people not to judge them as a closer feels like the perfect ending statement from Blackpink.

Lyric Distribution Video

• Jisoo: 59.01 seconds | 28.75%
• Rosé: 55.47 seconds | 27.01%
• Jennie: 54.20 seconds | 26.39%
• Lisa: 36.66 seconds | 17.86%

It’s so nice that most of the members almost got the one-minute worth of lines and having Jisoo at the top feels satisfying after the limited line distribution she got with “Ice Cream. Vocal wise, this is their best song to date as they get to showcase their most emotional, sincere vocals in this track. The only problem is that Lisa should’ve gotten more lines, especially since her vocals sounded amazing that gives the song a more “heartfelt” feeling.

PART 5. THE CONCLUSION

Now that I have given my thoughts on each track of “The Album”, here are my overall thoughts on “The Album” and the era itself.
In the [FRESH] Popheads discussion thread of “The Album”, a lot of users were disappointed with how short the album is. Yes, the album is unfortunately quite short given that this is their first full album in Blackpink’s fourth year as a group.
Users are also disappointed with how “outdated” the songs felt. To be fair on Blackpink, K-pop tends to be a bit behind when it comes to trends. It isn’t surprising that “The Album” would have some kind of outdated production in Wester music standards. The most obvious one would be “Lovesick Girls'', which sounded like an Icona Pop song.
Sonically, the entire album isn’t even revolutionary at all. “The Album'' is produced on what’s popular in the charts right now and even the biggest Blink here (not me) would know that.
So with all these criticisms pointed out, why is “The Album” even considered as one of the Albums of the Year? Especially as someone who had Taylor Swift’s “folklore” as my own personal AOTY?
For my case as a Blink, a huge part of the reason why I am a Blink is that not only their music makes me feel alive, but also because the group has such a charismatic personality that it’s easy to see why they have a huge Western appeal.
Along with BTS, Blackpink is leading this new Hallyu wave where the West has finally taken K-pop seriously as a dominant force, not as a gimmick. With “The Album” debuting at #2 in the Billboard 200, it's the highest-charting album by a female girl group since Danity Kane in 2006. On top of that, they have sold approximately 1 million copies worldwide (estimated 319,300 copies in the US and Europe according to Pinkvilla as of October 27, 2020), which is a rare thing to achieve in the streaming era unless you’re Taylor Swift. This huge success for a K-pop girl group proves that Blackpink will always be in our area no matter what.
Even with the criticisms that “The Album” had over its short-length and its outdated production, you can at least still hear the huge amount of talent, personality and hardwork of the group in this album. It’s not the content of the album that makes “The Album” an AOTY, it’s the influence that it’s going to make to its listeners and pop culture as a whole.
You know what the Blinks will say, “BLACKPINK IS THE REVOLUTION”.

THE GUIDE QUESTIONS / a note from the author

Welcome to the 109th [Lets Build]!
Interesting Fireside Stories from Retired Adventurers

Die Roll	Result
1	You fellas make sure to bring ink and parchment, you hear! I remember back, oh, 35 summers ago we found a crypt too big to tackle at the time so we decided to make a map. Only old Bark toes, well we called him Bark toes on account of being a druid his real name was Faelwyn (Sounds elvish but he was a Dwarf, damnedest thing really)... but anyway, old Bark toes had buried all our paper! Said it was only proper respect for Father Tree. So we had to hunt down a rabbit, tan the hide, then burn the map into it. Took 3 days, and that map reeked up my pack something fierce!
2	Hah! That reminds me of a particularly harsh winter when a dwarf I traveled with thought it’d be fun to explore a cave despite us being low on rations. Needless to say by the time spring rolled around I was plus a few Bullywug bites and minus a short bearded friend!
3	I wouldn’t eat that if I was you. I was once treated to the spectacle of what I thought was a Tabaxi coughing up a hairball. Turns out a Remorhaze egg had been incubating in her gut from some dodgy stew and she quickly became its first meal.
4	You think this is bad weather? I’ve seen it rain so hard that you’d swear it was coming from the ground and the sky at the same time. My boots filled so fast I had to walk barefoot to the nearest shelter I could find. Nearly stepped on a gas spore.
5	Well, let me tell you: you can take the mightiest knight or wizard in the kingdom, and they'll duel a demigod or storm the gates o'hell. But you throw enough angry chickens at'em, sooner or later they'll go DOWN. Buy me a top-shelf whiskey and I'll tell you how it happened to the high priest. It might come in handy later on.
6	That's a good story, but I bet you never saw a goliath hurl a gnome into the maw of an angry froghemoth, the hard part wasn't getting the gnome out of the creature, she did that much herself. The hard part was getting the stink o' frog guts off of the gnome.
7	Things are different these days, they are indeed. I was a Red Arrow, didja know that? Travelled all over these lands, usually in small bands but sometimes they were hundreds of us. Thousands! Everywhere we went we'd work to make people proud of their own accomplishments. Make 'em happy, even if they said our arrows were orange! And if they stole from others, or said unkind things, why we stabbed them with our cold blue spears to let the people know how to behave like proper folk!
8	This? Just a bit o' mead from home. Like wine, but made of honey; there's a bit of rose in this one, I think. Want a taste? (If offer is accepted, the mead is described as being pleasantly sweet and smooth, if a bit dry. May cause heartburn for those with hearts.) Good stuff, innit? My uncle's favorite; it's basically all he'd drink. We'd usually get that mead with the juniper berries mixed in, but my uncle preferred the rose mead. Said it tasted better. Dunno if I entirely agree, but that's what he would bring over. Heh...I remember one year, he came by, strangely empty-handed. My mum (his sister) asked where he mead was. That's the thing, he said, they said they was out. Some damn fool had made off with the barrels, leaving none for the rest of us. He suffered through the juniper mead, but he sure as hell wasn't happy about it. But then comes next week, right? He comes by with two kegs of the stuff. THEY FOUND IT, he said. He said he'd been walking along when he heard a commotion off the path, went to go check it out. And, sitting on top of a cart, drunk as hell, were the thieves. They hadn't even properly made off with the stuff, they were just sitting there barely off the road. Damn fools. My uncle seemed proud of himself. Man loved his mead. Maybe a little too much...
9	Hah! That's nothing! You want to know what 'up shit creek without a paddle' really looks like? Lemme tell you a story: Me and four of me mates (or so I thought) were going through the mountains with a big load from... I won't tell, because I might actually get back to that pile o' gold one day. But! We were going through this wicked cave, and suddenly drow, the dark bastards, jump out of the shadows and start shouting at us in broken common. Now, we're alone in the mountains, one weeks travel from any civilization, and ambushed by a crew of drow. That's the shit creek, now where's me paddle gone? Well as if the situation wasn't bad enough, there's a cave in that separates me from me mates (got Spencer's leg too), and now I'm alone against a dozen pissed off drow. Now, how I got out of that situation with only a dirk and a shovel to my name, is a story that there isn't a cup of mead big enough to buy from me.
10	So there I was, tied up. Not 20 feet from this sorceress and her gaggle of cultists. As the I was cutting my way through my bonds, and trying to signal to my mates that we need to stop this. The cultists were Chanting, the clouds were getting darker and the villager in the middle of the throng was getting really nervous. But all I could think about was that damn sorceress. Anyway, that's how I met my first ex-wife.
11	That ain't nothin' to be scared of. You ever been chased by an undead thunder lizard, vomiting zombies? I tell yah, that'll change the color of your pants and maybe even your religion!
12	So you should have seen it: Me, the most beautiful woman you ever saw and a table that turned out to be a mimic. Her palms were stuck to the surface for reasons I as gentleman shall not get into, and I was swinging my sword with one hand and hitching up my trousers with another. Anyway that was the last time I snuck into the Wizard's college storage cellar to fool around.
13	No crud, there I was at the Battle of Deepwater Isle, standing in front of the walls to Waterdeep. A hundred Sahaugin were storming up the bank, angry as a cat in a pond. We held them back, dropping them 3 to 1. Problem is, that wasn't fast enough and they just kept coming. Well, the Blackstaffs showed up on the wall behind us. Yah ever see what a Fireball does to aquatic flesh? It scared 'em, scared 'em right good but I tell yah, you never smell something so bad as burning water goblin! Except maybe troglodyte...
14	That's some nice shootin' there. Did I ever tell you about the time I one-shotted an orc with my sling? See, we was jumped on the Trade Way, just a simple escort job. This little warband of orcs jumped us on the road, lookin' for an easy take. Didn't expect we all had steel, yah see? We cut 'em down quick, but one slipped away, with a sack of valuables under his arm. That greenskin nicked an ox, no lie, tryin' to ride it for all its worth. He was bouncing all around and not gettin' too far. I picked up a rock off the ground, loaded my sling, one shot in the back of his head and he went tumblin'; dead before he hit the ground.
15	That's a fine bit o' gold there. Reminds me of the time I was prospecting for gold up north of Neverwinter. Mount Hotenow was still having its rumblings and we were pickin' pieces that size out of the rivers!
16	Oh don't complain about this little drizzle. Did I ever tell you about the time I was sailing back from Chult? Musta been only a couple years ago. We had 3 ships, full of old relics, when a bad squall kicked up. Swells were 30 to 40 feet and rain was crushing down on us in sheets. We barely stayed afloat, and what's worse; Everytime the lightning flashed, we saw tentacles rising up from the depths. Only 2 of our ships made it back...
17	Now that's a fine bit o' cloth. Almost reminds me of Owlbear fur. I tell yah, ain't nothin' better for keepin' back the winter chill.
19	You'd be surprised how many times an adventurer met their end from overconfidence. I saw a man that cut a giant in two with a single slice die after insisting the river only looked deep.
20	Never ask a paladin about how their oath works unless you want an hour long moral philosophy lecture complete with some shameless proselytizing.
21	Took us nine days to find that phylactery. The lich was pretty pissed when we showed him it. That was the fourth time we killed that ancient relic disguised as a man but that was the first time any of us saw fear in an undeads eyes.
22	Get bent, young-blood. You don't know nuthin' bout no adven'turing. I know so, 'cause if you'd tell me a story 'bout what yuve seen and I passed my wine jug wi'out noticin' then I'd cut my luv'ely beard! And I. Dunt. Cut. Muh. Beard. Or share teh wine..." (Now the PC's have a chance to RP their characters telling a story of the experiences their character has had.)
23	Say now, this reminds me of the time old Zollio rode a giant monitor lizard round the upside of a bridge to get a clear shot at the turtle dragon harassing us. Yessir, he was a sight to behold. Fell the whole way down and still managed to get the killing blow off that bow of his. I can't remember how we made it out of that one.
24	So... you heard of the pale elf Drost Durden and his white tiger? He defied the laws of the over-light mountains, descended from their snowy peaks, and became a hero of the people. But thats just what the stories say, he is probably as cruel as the rest of them. (Note, there is a Dark Elf there listening to this story who looks very... very... very tired at listening to this)
25	See this scar on my chin? The first deer I ever killed, I must have been 14, no 13. I waited for hours in a tree. Shivering in the cold, hungry as a dog. I pissed myself. Finally a young buck casually strolled up to my tree. I was so cold, I was scared my staccato breathing would scare him off. I raised my bow and my hands were shaking. Luckily it was directly under me. I couldn't miss. I let go and the arrow stuck him good in his side. It jumped up and buck a few times like a roaring bull. Then it hopped around in a a zig zag and almost seemed to lay down for a nap. I was young but I knew to wait a moment before approaching. I slowly climbed down the tree. I slipped the last couple feet. I sauntered over to the deer. I slowly kneeled down beside him. I took a moment to admire the steam coming off his body which some druids believe is the deer's life essence leaving this plane. I leaned in close to his face and I thanked him for his meat which I was about to consume. The deer pulled its head back and butted me right in the face. His antler leaving a deep gouge in my chin. He jumped up took a couple steps and again collapsed under its own weight. At 13 years old, I provided for my family that cold night.
26	When I was your age, we had no idea that there were any other 'planes'. You were born on the prime material, and that's the way we liked it!
27	When I was your age, we walked thousands of leagues to dungeons! Uphill both ways!
28	Let me tell you something, young adventurer. Treat well you're boots for they protect you more than you know. That being said, I will never wear another pair again. I traded my boots for route sandals long ago, and let me tell you, I ain't putting on another pair of boots! I'd rather die! What do you mean I've used the same phrase twice in one sentence?
29	If you suspect that you're gonna run into gnolls, just piss yourself! Hyenae respect the scent of piss. Makes 'em feel like they're messing with the property of someone powerful, ya know?
30	I've never been a fan of 'preparing' spells. Back with the clergy of my youth, if you wanted a disease to be cured, THAT'S TOO BAD! YOU HAD TO DIE, JUST AS AMAUNATOR INTENDED!
31	I never much cared for dwarfs. To stalky. Too hairy. What are gonna do with all that hair, hm? I don't trust it.
32	Listen well. You need a danger word. I don't care about safe words or what you do with them. A danger word. Some things out there change their shapes. Mimic us. Hide the truth from your eyes. We had a rule. You found a way to work the danger word into conversation if your suspicions were up, but not your patience. 'Eaglepeak'. That was ours. 'Weather here is nothing like Eaglepeak.' or, 'The food here is worse than Eaglepeak.'
33	One day I wondered off from my caravan to relieve myself in private. Just my luck I was ambushed by bandits at the worst possible moment. Then for the first time in my life I was happy to hear the raspy scream of an owlbear. The bandits all ran in opposite directions, the owlbear had pecked on of them really good and was in the process of turning him into a pincushion with its pointy beak. I pulled my pants up, again at the worst possible moment, and I slowly turned around and walked away, once I got far enough to not hear the pecking of flesh I ran.
34	There we were, trapped on the bridge between the Harpies and the 4-armed Pirate-Gorillas, when Smendrik the Adequate (as we called him then) got the bright idea to cast Featherfall and Burning Hands through a barrel while we all stood on top! How we got the barrel is another interesting tale, you see it four years prior to then that we came across...
35	One time we met a Dwarf who bragged that he could disarm ANY trap. So we find something that looks suspicious and we let him prove himself. He's sitting there for 10 minutes trying to disarm a weird little square of tile and a gout of flame shoots out of the wall next to him and sets his beard on fire! He runs around smacking himself trying to put himself out until our cleric finally extinguished him with a water spell. He stands there for a bit, beard half burnt off and drenched in water, looks at us and says "just avoid that tile".
36	One time, a long while ago, Trudy and I were trying to nab some merchant’s permit from a fancy party and Trudy got made. So, to sneak her out, I hid her underneath my ball gown. We were both lucky my corset was big enough. Of course, leaving so suddenly would have been suspicious, which is how I spent 3 hours walking around a party with my sister under my dress. Thankfully, no one offered me a dance.
37	Never step through a portal. Not once, not ever. My party went through a portal that was supposed to be a shortcut into a wizard's tower, right to the top. Promise of some quality wands in that tower, made us step through without thinking too hard on it. Five years later I came back to the Prime Material with no friends and no wands. I don't talk about those years. Just don't trust portals is all I'm saying.
38	I won't stand for slander against Warforged. They got souls and I won't hear no arguments about it. No talk of "tinmen" or "automatons" at my campfire. You take that backwards thinking to your little farm and hang up your sword, because you ain't fit to be an adventurer. You fight with a 'forged at your back, or you listen to them talkin' about the friends they lost in the first war, and you would know. They might be more human than you or me. Certainly more human than an elf. Don't get me started on those knife-ears.
39	Never wake a sleeping Gnome. I'm not kidding about this. Sure, you know not to wake a Barbarian, liable to get your arms chopped off, but Gnomes are worse. They can cast spells before they're fully awake, see? Still half dreaming. You haven't regretted a decision quite like getting polymorphed first thing in the morning.
40	That flintlock you have there, may I see it? Ah, this reminds me of the rifle used by the infamous Tabaxi mage-slayer Odd Song Sung. I tracked that master assassin across this land, to-and-fro. Through battlefields and ruined cities older than you can fathom, yet she always stayed one step ahead. The last time I saw her, atop a tower above the street of Mordhau, eschewing her sights to read the charms she hung from the barrel of her weapon with fine chains as the winds of death shifted through them. I charged up those stone stairs faster than I have ever moved in all my days. But when I burst onto that damn platform there was nothing save for a single scrap of parchment held under a lose stone. 'Goodbye my friend' it said in a curling script, 'it has been an honour fleeing you'. I never saw that Tabaxi again.
41	When you're in those swamps, never, I repeat, never follow the lights, I've seen what happens, some might drown in the muck, others might get ambushed by lizardfolk, those are the lucky ones, the unlucky ones, they get torn to shreds the fog itself ripping them to shreds like a butcher, so fast they don't have time to scream...I've seen things, are you sure you still want to go out there?
42	... and so there 'e was when Oi' saw 'em, bold as a blacksmith strikin' hot-steel, 'e struck that demon on the fore'ead wif 'is fryin' pan! Oi'll ne'er outlive the day! Oi' outlived 'em tho' tha's fer sure, poor bloke 'uz ripped in 'alf shortly thereafter, e' wuz! But Ser Percivale 'e bought tha' rest'a us poor blighters enough time for Brofver Caedsmuire to Banish em, and tha's th' reason Oi' carry this f'oine fryin' pan on me belt, see? 'Sides from bein' "imm-a-nent-ally prack-ti-cal", it's one-a-them "Me-minty.. Me-minnow.. Me-mento Mor-as" and prack-ti-klee an "'oly relic"!
43	I used to be a blacksmith, but I got run out of town after a string of unlucky lasses had bairns which looked a mite too much like me. I ever tell you the time I had to shoe the Lord of the Nine Hells' Mare? A Nightmare they calls 'em, and she tweren't no mare, I tells yah... well, anyway she were a mite skittish, and so I took hold of her bridle and trotted her a bit, and I tell you each stride of hers was seven leagues, and dragged me along for the ride, and each time she would stop at the house of a lonely local lass and t'wouldn't budge a step afore I had made a call, then after that mare she'd take another step (with me for the ride) to the next maid's cottage, and on and on you see...
44	My party would agree but I was the worst bard they ever had. Let me tell you a story to illustrate how bad I was. So here we were taking the time to refresh ourselves in the city when we find out that the town is using some weird magic to keep the place going, some type of sinister version of Druid magic. So there we were investigating when my party member ups and attacks one of the guards because they were in our way despite all of us agreeing to be discreet. So in a panic and also because I felt bad for the guy I casted healing word in hopes of maybe getting the guards off our back by being nice. Well I took out my flute and blew the flattest note my ears have ever heard and I saw that man cough up blood because regardless. If that situation wasn’t so crazy I would’ve laughed my head off that I actually hurt someone with healing word but hey you live and learn and I needed a lot to learn.
45	Wanna know how I got these scars? Biggest dragon you've ever seen...probably the ugliest too. Anyways me and my mates were hacking him up when he took a wild swipe at me because I insulted his gecko mother. So there we were, me in his claws at least 500 feet in the air. I wrench myself free, climb up to his back and give him a good one two, ride his lifeless corpse all the way back to the hoard. We crash and I am launched noggin first into this beautiful baby I've on my back right now. This greataxe cut me up nice that day, but all the best lovers do that's what I always say!
46	You want to know where I got this sword huh? What if I told you I had to go the ninth hell and debate Asmodeus? Or the depths of pandemonium where I lost at least two friends and forgot one other? Mayhaps I got it from the githyanki pirates that killed my dog so I killed them all in return? Or maybe it was fashioned from the brain stem of the beholder that insulted my previous sword size? Perhaps I got it from the ancient vault of Dren'Dar the conquerer after we defeated his ancient blue dragon lover? Or perhaps I got it from Freaky Falzahad's Magic Emporium down the street? You'll have to buy me two or three more ales to find out, friend.
47	Trust me pal, the best part of adventuring is the food. You ever had dragon stew spiced with the ancient herbs found in a tomb and the marrow of a direboar? Ugh... Speaking of direboar...the tenderloin with a little high altitude mashed potatoes gardened by an centaur? You havent lived friend. Or granita (fruit ice) made by various fruits you had frozen during a fight with a white dragon? Refreshment for days. I could go on for years my friend, but I have another dish calling my name, until next time!
48	I lost this hand fighting sirens a mile off the coast, oh... ten years back, I reckon. I keeps a leather pouch of the bones to remind me of my mortality; each drilled and filled with a mix of tin, lead, and a shaving from a single sterling peice, blessed by a priest of Saint Quimbles; and etched with the runes. Shalls I cast them and divine thy fate?
49	Best not to deal with nobility who ask for discretion in carrying out their tasks. Better yet, best not to accept a blabbermouth into your ranks. Best not travel to the shadiest part of town and loudly announce your search of information on an assassination plot. Best not to blindly follow the kind old gentleman out of town, as he knows the the assassins' hideout. Best not to let your guard down and invite an ambush on your friends. Best not leave them to their deaths in desperation towards saving your own skin. Best not let your past force you into a life of running and hiding. Best not to deal with nobility who ask for discretion.
50	There we were, about to be over-run by the damned, our backs against the fallen portcullis, when out of 'er satchel Sister Bloeddwyd Angelique pulled forth the candle prepared by the Holy-Matron and blessed by the Light. When she lit her taper, the candle shone forth a light fit to blind us! She placed the candle in the lock of the portcullis and a great flash and shout of a hundred wrathful angels blew us an opening! I'd not be sitting here telling you the tale were it not for her!
51	Never underestimate a Kobold, ye hear? Me brothers in arms wound up as food in thier cook fires, and I'd be there too if'n I didn't high-tail it the moment I saw those first traps! Oh, aye, you call me a coward, but I'll ne'er go down any hole where'st I's s'pect them scaly buggers to be lurkin'! You's best be doin' the same as I, and mind yourself! Mark me words!
52	Aye, nowhere, no place in this world leaves you weary as the blasting fields. Scores of brave men and women have been swallowed by the harrowed place. For what? Glory. Ha. Riches. What vanity we had. The earth rumbles with every step you take. The smell burns your eyes and the air takes your senses. Me and my mates, brave as we once were, never feared it though. We should’ve. We should’ve feared the jets of fire that shot out like columns holding the sky above. But we didn’t. No. We marched, knowing the dangers. Knowing the risks. Knowing the rewards. Damn our arrogance. If we weren’t foolhardy enough to turn at the sight of that place, we certainly hadn’t the mind to beware the creatures that called the place home. That’s where I found out how true horror felt. How it seeps into your bones.
53	I was a hired by a small band of naïve adventurers to guide them through the mountain passes in early winter. We should have turned back when the skies began to darken. But the gold... The storm hit hard and a thick, heavy blanket of snow covered every discernable landmark. The storm continued without end. I soon lost my way but, I kept that to myself. Because, the gold... Wolves took two of them in the dead of night, one froze to death after falling through the ice, and the last one? After six days in that frozen hell, I was the only one to walk out. But the gold...
54	(While tuning a lute) Have I played "The Mouse and the Magister" for you yet? That used to be my specialty. Never failed to get the people clapping and the gold flowing. Now how did it go? "La de da... mouse..." That's not it. When I played this for the Queen of Names she made me a knight on the spot. That's a true story. You can call me Sir, please and thank you. "La de da de da... mouse..." Damn... Let me just play "Sunrise Over Waterdeep" for you again.
55	I'm telling you, first time I fought one it was called a Water Normal. That was many moons back now, you can believe that. Water Normals, used to pop out of wells in villages, just about every harvest, sure as the crops. Then a few decades go by and they're not so regular, we start to hear them called Water Uncommons. Over hunted, see? Nowadays you almost never see them. You worry much when you get water from a well? You're welcome. And so, yes, Water Weird, because they are now.
56	Just sos you know, you can dance with the dead in the pale moonlight. It ain't the dancin' that's the problem, it's the leavin' after. Their grip is a might bit stronger than a clamp o' iron. It probably wasn't worth the gold my pals bet me to do it. (He/she shows off a huge scar). You should've seen the other guy, though.
57	We once convinced a kobold colony to mine out a block of stone in the ceiling of a dragon's lair, dropping in on their head. Dragon problem done just like that, though, those damn kobolds did drive us out before we managed to take a share of the dragon's hoard...
58	I only loved one man: Bernar was his name, and what a fine man he was. He could swing an axe like a twig, and drank brandy like it was water. I had to leave him, however... I took a contract to hunt down a hag. Turns out my suspicions were right.. it was my mother in law!
59	Now, I COULD spend the next turn of the hourglass telling you lies about the best way to wield a longsword; lies I learned guarding the Duke, and learned were lies when the Masked Menace cut the Duke's Demon-possessed head clean off; but since you're buying me a drink, tell me a bit of your travels?
60	Throws his drink at the painting of a wealthy nobleman. Noble my rear end! I've seen that man make love to a sheep after just 2 cups of mead. That ironbrained oaf still owes me 30 gold pieces too. I won it fair and square in a card game. He said he was good for it and I let him off the hook at the time but I should've taken his thumb as collateral and I woulda been justified to do it too. The healer I ran with at the time could've put it back on 3 weeks later in just 10 minutes I tell ya.
61	That sure is a nice weapon you have there, young adventurer. But it's not about the size or value of the weapon, but the way that you use it. The older adventurer reaches for something strapped to their back and brings it into the younger adventurer's vision This here is "Pointy." My party and I were asleep in the forest one night, when I woke up surrounded by goblins and the sounds of screaming and crunching. No weapons, no armor, and my fellow adventurers were already as good as dead. The only thing nearby was this one strong, arm-span long, and unusually pointy stick. It must have been sent by divine beings that cast pity on me because it seemed to shine as I quickly reached for it. I picked it up, and I just started jabbing it at every goblin that came near me. Quick thrusts. I aimed for the eyes. I was there all night, and, just as I was about to collapse from exhaustion, the sun started to rise, and the goblins, many of whom were missing at least one eye each at this point, retreated. Ever since then, I have always kept Pointy with me to remind me that the most humble of tools can have the greatest of effects, to remind me of my lost comrades, and, well, in case of goblins.
62	Speaking of alcohol, if you ever go to the Pinepoint Inn down the street NEVER drink more than one pint of their Hunter's Meade. I know it may be delicious, but I did it a couple of years ago and I woke up in a cave surrounded by a group of Kobolds who apparently started worshiping me as their new regent. Took me three weeks to get out of there! I can hold my liquor, but I'm never drinking Hunter's Meade again.
63	The Icy Wastes are cold, cold, cold I tells ya! Only madmen and the darkest of evil travels there! I lost a hand and a leg to the cold, after I followed the Lost Prince and the Crusade to find the Egg! We found the Egg alright; it was beautiful, like a singular jewel, just sitting there on the altar of the Icy Temple, glittering for all to see! Then the men began to scream and freeze into place! I ran away, dragging my frozen limbs, of fifty men that went in, only three returned, and the Prince was not one of them!
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I see a lot of text posts in this sub of 'previews' for matches, but they are always very low effort and essentially just ask "What do you think?" without providing much information or analysis. Since I have quite a bit of free time at work right now, I thought I'd do a bit of stat-accumulation and put together a little preview of this weekend's match.
_______________

Villa:

After a very entertaining 0-0 draw at home against Burnley, the side will make the daunting trek all of 3.5 miles to the Hawthorns to take on a West Brom side under new management.
Form: We have seemingly turned the corner on the poor run of form we suffered from the end of October to the start of December. After losing 4 of 5 (only beating a dismal Arsenal side), we showed extremely good spirit while earning a scrappy win at Wolves. We followed that up with a dominant performance at home against Burnley.
Burnley Match: Deano sent out a much changed side against Burnley. Not only did he bring in replacements for the suspended and injured lads, but he also "changed the shape a little bit today because of the way Burnley play." Yes, we only walked away with a single point, but the changes from Deano undoubtedly worked as we controlled the match and had ample opportunity to score. Although we couldn't finish any of those ~850 chances, it is 2 clean sheets in a row. As Deano said,

We had enough chances to win two games, maybe even three... my concern is when you're not getting chances. We look like a team unlikely to concede goals as well, when you do that you'll accumulate points. (Link to the interview)

Team News: This match also saw no new injuries (thank you Mr. Mee) or suspensions, so we will be at nearly full strength this weekend.
Douglas Luiz, Matty Cash, Bjorn Engels, Keinan Davis, and Ross Barkley should all be fit and eligible to start for the match this weekend. Trezeguet and Wes will likely be out beyond the end of the Christmas period.

West Brom:

West Brom have had a rough start to life back in the Premier League. Despite a stalwart defence against Man City earning the Baggies a point, they remain at the wrong end of the table and Slaven Bilić faced the axe on Wednesday. The managerial merry-go-round spun Big Sam into the spotlight once more - his first job since he was let go by Everton in 2018.
Form: West Brom have earned 4 points in their past 5 matches, including their first win of the season against Sheffield United and the hard fought draw against City. That first (and only) win this year came against a winless, bottom of the table, Blades side who have lost 12 of 13 matches this year. Although they have managed a few impressive performances and results this year, they have only earned 2 points from sides outside the bottom 5 this year (3-3 Chelsea & 1-1 City).
City Match: West Brom were once again without Matheus Pereira in the side, as he sat out the second match of his 3 match ban following his dismissal against Palace. The Baggies were very content to play for a draw, having just over 20% possession and only 1 single shot on target. Only 15% of the match took place in City's defensive third...
Team News: Pereira will miss his 3rd and final game of his ban following his violent conduct charge. Kyle Bartley could also miss the match after being ruled out of the Newcastle and Man City matches. Conor Townsend and Hal Robson-Kanu will both be out until the end of December.

Sam Allardyce

Big Sam was sacked from Everton, despite guiding the Toffees to a top half finish, mostly through the clamouring of fans about the boring style which had been instilled in the side. He has a phenomenal record of saving sides from relegation, having never been relegated himself from the top division.
Big Sam's Record as a new manager in the top flight (and with England):

Team	Opponent	Score	Year
Everton	Huddersfield	2-0	2017
Crystal Palace	Watford	1-1	2016
England	Slovakia	1-0	2016
Sunderland	West Brom	0-1	2015
Blackburn	Stoke	3-0	2008
Newcastle	Bolton	3-1	2007
Total	4-1-1	10-3

STATS

1. Consistency in Minutes
   West Brom have changed their side up many times this season - only 3 players (Johnstone, Ajayi and Furlong) have played more than 75% of minutes this year. The 4th player with the most minutes is Conor Gallagher with 800 minutes (68% of available minutes).
   Villa have been the opposite. NINE players have more minutes than Conor Gallagher in 2 fewer matches. Even Trezeguet, with 720 minutes, has a higher percentage of minutes played (73%). Only Villa's last spot (barring injury and suspension) has been changing, as Barkley had not come into the side until a few matches into the year.
   
2. Style of Play
   As opposed to the match against Burnley, West Brom probably won't sit back and play for a draw. They actually have a fairly decent attacking style - in fact, it matches our own style of play pretty closely. Both sides play a similar range of passing and at similar rates, West Brom are just a touch worse than us at it.
   

   Team	Total	Long Ball %	Short Acc.	Long Acc.
   Villa	389.5	15.5%	83.9%	44.3%
   West Brom	381.6	15.1%	82.8%	42.9%

3. Where will the ball be?
   Looking at the average area of play for both sides this season, they match up quite well:
   

   Team	Off.	Mid.	Def.
   Villa	33%	41%	26%
   WBA	24%	45%	31%

   We may see a similar story this weekend.
   
4. History
   Outside of the traditional top 5 clubs, West Brom do not have a worse record against any side (5+ matches played).
   Villa lead this matchup across all of history with 25 wins to the Baggies' 14, while there have been 17 draws as well. In the Premier League era, Villa lead with 10 wins, 10 draws and 5 losses.
   
5. Open play - wide open
   No team has conceded more goals, or more from open play this year than the Baggies. They also have only scored fewer goals from open play than 17 teams - only Sheffield United and Burnley are worse.
   While West Brom are conceding 2 goals per game, Villa are scoring 1.9 per game. Villa concede 1.18 goals per game, West Brom score 0.77 per game.
   

So what are your predictions, concerns, thoughts and bets for the match this weekend? How will Deano set the side up, and will Barkley be fit enough to start?

HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. IF YOU DON'T GET YOUR DICK-DRAGGING GOOK CARCASS AWAY FROM MY TURF, I'M GOING TO SHOVE MY SPERM WHALE SO FAR UP YOUR DRAINAGE PIPE THAT YOU'LL BE TASTING THE UNDERWEAR THAT I WEAR UNDER MY DAPPER SUIT FOR THE NEXT FIVE YEARS. I GUARANTEE IT. Greeks and Asians HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. I'D LIKE TO TAKE THIS MOMENT TO SAY THAT MY UNSTOPPABLE PILLAR OF A THOUSAND ORGASMS IS COMPLETELY EQUAL-OPPORTUNITY. TO THE GREEKS, I AM THE MIGHTY HERCULES THAT SPLITS APART THEIR ROCK OF GIBRALTAR. TO THE HINDUS I AM ZISHNA, THE TEN-HEADED GOD OF DEFLOWERING - AND ONLY FIVE OF THOSE HEADS ARE ATTACHED TO NECKS. INDEED, THE RECTUMS OF THOSE OF EAST ASIAN DESCENT HOLDS A SPECIAL PLACE UNDER MY RIGHT TESTICLE. THEIR TINY FRAMES CLENCH TIGHTLY WHEN I CRUSH THEIR ORGANS UNDER THE UNSTOPPABLE DRAMA OF MY ANAL ASSAULT. AS RIGOR MORTIS SETS IN, THE TIGHTNESS OF THEIR RAVAGED COLON UPON MY MIGHTY KATANA IS UNMATCHED BY ANY OTHER RACE. NO LESS THAN FIFTY-SEVEN SAMURAI HAVE COMMITTED HARA-KIRI UPON TAKING A SINGLE LOOK AT MY MIGHTY BLADE FROM THE DISHONOR OF WIELDING SUCH TINY EASTERN BLADES AGAINST MY MARVEL OF MANHOOD. The Real Zimmer HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF MEN'S WAREHOUSE. CHICKENSHITS THAT TRY TO GUARANTEE ON SHIT THAT I DIDN'T APPROVE SHOULD SUCK MY GUSHING FLAMESPEAR OF JUSTICE AND VENGEANCE. AS FOR THAT SHIT, I SAY THAT EVEN THE LAST INBRED TARD WHO'D FIND HIMSELF ON A LONELY ISLAND IMPRISONED IN A CAGE MADE OF SAUSAGES AND CALCIUM AND TORTURED BY PURE AIR WOULDN'T FAP TO IT. UNLESS IT'S FCHAN. I GUARANTEE IT. Revenge HI I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WAREHOUSE. THE OTHER NIGHT I TRACKED DOWN THE UPPITY BITCH WHO DREW THIS PICTURE AND I PROCEEDED TO FREE WILLY ALL OVER HER FACE. I SPACKLED HER FACE WITH MY SALTY MAN YOGURT, MAKING SURE TO COVER EVERY INCH OF HER SELF-RIGHTEOUS MUG. I GUESS SHE LEARNED HER LESSON BECAUSE SHE CAME BACK BEGGING FOR MORE. I GUARANTEE IT. Anal HI I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WAREHOUSE. NO ONE CAN IMAGINE THE HORRORS THAT MY GREASY GRECIAN MAN POLE CAN UNLEASH. ANY HOLE THAT GETS IN MY WAY WILL BE SPELUNKED BY MY MIGHTY KIDNEY SCRAPER. I WILL PLUMB THE DEPTHS OF YOUR MOIST ORIFICES AND THEN PROCEED TO PUMP MILLIONS OF FUTURE ZIMMERS INTO YOUR INNARDS. I GUARANTEE IT. Gb2/kitchen/ HI... I'M GEORGE ZIMMER - FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WAREHOUSE. I'M JUST GOING TO TAKE A SECOND OUT OF MY BUSY DAY OF FUCKING THE MOTHERS AND SISTERS OF THE PEOPLE I HATE WITH MY MAMMOTH PELVIC FOREARM TO DELIVER A RARE SHORT MESSAGE. SHUT UP AND GET BACK IN THE KITCHEN BITCH, OR I'LL CHOKE YOU TO DEATH WITH MY INCREDIBLE MANMEAT. I GUARANTEE IT. Subway HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. MERE HOURS AGO, ON A SUBWAY RIDE HOME TO MY LAVISH PENTHOUSE APARTMENT, ON MY WAY BACK FROM THE WORLDS MOST VIRILE MAN COMPETITION, THERE SAT ACROSS FROM ME A WOMAN OF ADMIRABLE MAMARY PROPORTIONS. NATURALLY, MY IMMEDIATE REACTION WAS FOR MY DANGEROUS, DEVILISH, DAPPER DOWNSTAIRS DOWEL TO SWELL TO THE ROUGHLY THE SIZE OF A MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL BAT. BUT I DIGRESS. THE IMPORTANT PART OF MY TALE OF UNIMAGINABLE SEXUAL PROWESS WAS THUS: A RATHER INNEBRIATED FELLOW BEGAN TO HARASS THE OTHER PATRONS UPON THE SUBWAY CAR WHOSE DIJMENSIONS WERE BEING NOW APPROACHED BY THAT OF MY TOWERING MEAT FOUNTAIN. HAVING NOT THE SAME AUDACITY AS I, THEY THOUGHT IT BEST TO LET THE MAN BE. AS HE MOVED FROM PROUDLY DISPLAYING HIS COMPARATIVELY INSIGNIFICANT PENILE PINKY TO THE OLDER WOMEN TO THE YOUNG, BOUNCY AND BOUNTIFUL BEAUTIFULLY BREASTED BROAD THAT HAD CAUSED THE MAMMOTH SWELLING OF MY SWEATY MALE-WHALE, I CLUTCHED TIGHTLY MY TROPHY FROM AFOREMENTIONED COMPETITION, AND KNEW IMMEDIATELY THE APPROPRIATE COURSE OF ACTION. THE LOOK THAT GRACED HIS WANDERING EYES AS MY PULSATING POWER PUMP RUSHED TO MEET HIS FACE WILL CAUSE ME RUMBLING LAUGHTER FOR MANY A YEAR. THE RESULTIMG AROMA OF GIN AND TESTOSTERONE THAT LINGERED IN THE AIR WAS INVIGORATING. I THEN SPOKE IN A DIALECT OF MANDARIN CHINESE IN A FREQUENCY THAT ONLY ELEPHANTS CAN HEAR A WARNING TO THIS MAN THAT THIS BEHVAIOR OF HIS IS NOT ACCEPTABLE. ALAS, IT FELL ON DEAF EARS, FOR HE HAD PASSED. THE FELLATIO SESSION THAT I HAD EARNED FROM THE MAGNIFICENTLY MILKY MAIDEN WAS INTERRUPTED BY THE GOINGS-ON OF THE NEAREST POLICE OFFICER. RATHER THAN GO THROUGH THE TEDIUM OF FILLING OUT TIRESOME REPORTS AND STATEMENTS, I WASHED HIM OUT OF THE TRAIN AND UP THE STAIRS TO THE STREET WITH A BATH OF ONLY THE FINEST PROTEIN PACKED PUBIC PUDDING THAT I COULD MUSTER. I GUARANTEE IT. George Foreman HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WAREHOUSE. THAT GODDAMN NIGGER GEORGE FOREMAN LIES LIKE THE LITTLE BITCH THAT HE IS. IN ACTUALITY, I SHOVED MY MASSIVE MEAT MOUNTAIN UP HIS WIFE AND DOG'S ASSES, KILLING THEM INSTANTLY. THEN I USED GEORGE'S OWN LEAN MEAN GRILLING MACHINE TO COOK THEIR CORPSES. I MUST ADMIT, THOUGH, THAT GRILL CAN COOK A MIGHTY FINE BABY BATTER-FILLED MAIN COURSE. I GUARANTEE IT. Movie Theater HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. WHILE SURREPTITIOUSLY PLUNGING MY ROSY-CHEEKED CYCLOPEAN ALLY INTO THE ANAL CAVITY OF A YOUNG MIGRANT FARM WORKER OF INDETERMINATE GENDER IN THE FRONT ROW OF A MOVIE THEATER, THE POOR YOUTH SCREAMED FOR MORE THAN THREE MINUTES STRAIGHT, FINALLY COUGHING UP A LOAD OF 100% PURE ZIMMER SAUCE AND PASSING OUT. THE OTHER MOVIE PATRONS, ANGRY AT THE INTERRUPTION OF THE ADVENTURES OF SHARKBOY AND LAVAGIRL IN 3-D, BEGAN PELTING ME WITH DRINKS, FOOD, AND PHONE NUMBERS HASTILY WRITTEN ON NAPKINS. UNFORTUNATELY, MY OUTRAGEOUSLY DAPPER SUIT WAS RUINED IN THE PROCESS. I NONCHALANTLY PULLED THE UNCONSCIOUS YOUTH OFF MY ENORMOUS EYEBALL GOUGER AND STRIPPED NUDE. THEN, WITH A BESTIAL ROAR, I BEAT THE ENTIRE AUDIENCE TO DEATH--WITHOUT LEAVING THE FRONT ROW. ON MY WAY OUT, IN THE CUSTOM OF THE ZIMMER FAMILY, I GAVE THEM A BURIAL AT SEMEN. I GUARANTEE IT. Becoming A Real Man HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. APPARENTLY, YOU DON'T KNOW WHEN TO SHUT THE FUCK UP, WHICH IS TO BE EXPECTED FROM AN ASS-DRAGGING MAN WHORE LIKE YOURSELF THAT GETS KICKED OFF THE GOOD CORNERS BY TWELVE YEAR OLD BOYS LOOKING FOR EXTRA INCOME TO SUPPORT THEIR POKEMON ADDICTIONS. IF YOU'RE EVER INTERESTED IN BECOMING A REAL MAN, COME BY THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE WHERE I CAN GIVE YOU A TESTOSTERONE INFUSION IN THE BACK ALLEY WITH MY PATENTED PULSATING MAN HAMMER. I'LL SPREAD YOUR ASS CHEEKS WIDER THAN THE MARIANAS TRENCH, AND I'LL PLUNGE MY THUNDERING FLESH REDWOOD INTO YOUR WINKING PINK CHRYSANTHEMUM. SLIPPING ON MY STEEL WOOL GLOVES, I'LL GRAB YOUR MINISCULE QUIVERING JOYSTICK AND VIGOROUSLY MASSAGE IT UNTIL IT STANDS UP HARDER AND STRAIGHTER THAN A MARINE AT SHORT ARM INSPECTION WITH HIS FAVORITE DRILL SERGEANT. WHEN I FINALLY UNLEASH MY SHOWER OF MAN MAYONNAISE INTO YOUR COLON YOUR INNARDS WILL PULSATE IN JOYOUS ABANDON AND YOUR NIPPLES WILL EXPLODE WITH DELIGHT, RAINING MY SEX SAUCE DOWN UPON UNWARY PASSERSBY WHO WILL COWER IN FEAR OF THE SECOND COMING. I GUARANTEE IT. The Real George Zimmer, Again HI, I�M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN�S WEARHOUSE. MY YODELING MANSEED-SPRAYER CAN KILL A YAK AT THIRTY PACES�WITH ONE SWING. IT�LL BE A COLD DAY IN HELL WHEN ANYONE ON /B/ CAN COMPLAIN ABOUT THE POWER CONTAINED IN MY FORTUNE 500 FETUS FACIALIST. I�LL TRACK YOU DOWN, WITHDRAW MY MISCHIEVOUS MAIDEN MANGLER FROM MY UNCONSCIONABLY SEXY SUIT AND WATCH IN SILENCE AS YOU BEG TO SUCKLE AT MY TERRIFYINGLY TANTALIZING TESTICLES. YOU WON�T BE ABLE TO RESIST ME AS I SATIATE MY RANDY RAPE ROD USING YOUR QUIVERING FLESH. I�LL LEAVE YOUR CORPSE FOR PASSERSBY TO FIND IT, NAKED AND DRIPPING WITH SEVERAL HELPINGS OF MY EXTRAORDINARILY EFFERVESCENT ESSENCE OUTSIDE THE LOCAL ELEMENTARY SCHOOL. THEN I�LL MOVE ON TO YOUR MOTHER. I GUARANTEE IT. Raping /b/tards HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. IT LOOKS LIKE SOME OF YOU /B/TARDS THINK YOU CAN CONTROL ME. THIS PARTICULAR /B/TARD THOUGHT HE WAS CLEVER, POSTING ABOUT ME BEHIND MY BACK. WELL, UNTIL I APPEARED BEHIND HIM IN A PLUME OF SMOKE AND AEROSOLIZED ASS BUTTER. HIS PARENTS ARE WATCHING AS I GIVE HIS KIDNEYS A TEN POINT INSPECTION WITH MY FLANNEL MAN-SPIGOT, WHILE SIMULTANEOUSLY TYPING THIS POST, ANALLY PENETRATING THE OBESE MOTHER OF THIS /B/TARD, AND FILLING THE FATHER�S FACE WITH A GENEROUS HELPING OF MY GOOEY GUY GRAVY. AFTER I FINISH, I�LL BEAT THEM TO DEATH WITH MY VEINY LOVE TRUMPET, AND DISAPPEAR IN A VEIL OF MISTY WHITE SPRAY. ANY ONE OF YOU COULD BE NEXT. I GUARANTEE IT. Explosion HI IM GEORGE ZIMMER FOUNDER AND CEO OF MENS WAREHOUSE, AND WHILE YOUR OFFER INTRIGUES ME YOU MUST BE ASSURED THAT THE VERY FIRST TIME I EXTRACTED MY THROBBING GRISTLE STICK FROM MY BULGING SUIT PANTS AND PLUNGED IT DEEP INTO YOUR WAITING CLEFT AS AHAB SO PLUNGED HIS SPEAR INTO THE RED BLOWHOLE OF MOBY DICK, THAT THE EXPLOSION OF MAN FLUID THAT WOULD FILL YOUR INTERNAL CAVITY WOULD DO SO WITH SUCH DAEMONIC ALACRITY AS TO CAUSE A SPONTANEOUS AND COMPLETE ERUPTION OF YOUR INTERNAL ORGANS IN SUCH A GROTESQUE AND SPECTACULAR MANNER THAT I WOULD BE COVERD IN LITTLE RED DRIPPING BITS OF YOU IN 5 SECONDS FLAT. I GUARANTEE IT. Board of Directors HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. ONE DAY, ABOUT A WEEK AGO, I WAS HOLDING A MEETING WITH MY COMPANY'S BOARD OF DIRECTORS, EXPLAINING THE IMPORTANCE OF DEDICATION, AND QUALITY IN THE SALE OF OUTRAGEOUSLY DAPPER SUITS, WHEN I NOTICED ONE OF THE MEMBERS OF THE BOARD WAS, IN FACT, A STUNNINGLY BEAUTIFUL BLOND FEMALE, HER BEAUTY MATCHED ONLY BY HER PROFESSIONAL MANNER AND ABSOLUTELY ELEGANT SUIT. THIS COMBINATION OF STIMULI GAVE MY MONOLITHIC CROTCH CANNON NO CHOICE BUT TO AUGMENT AND OBLITERATE MY PANTS. WITHIN MOMENTS MY MY MEMBER HAD DESOLATED THE BOARD ROOM, THE TABLE HAVING BEEN SMASHED UNDER THE SHEER GIRTH OF MY PELVIC PULVERISER, AND THE WOMAN IN QUESTION WAS IMPALED ON ITS GARGANTUAN TIP, HAVING THROWN HERSELF IN ITS APOCOLIPTIC PATH OF DESTRUCTION IN AN EFFORT NOT ONLY TO SAVE THE LIVES OF HER COLLEAGUES, BUT TO EXPERIENCE FIRSTHAND THE QUASI-RELIGEOUS EXPERIENCE THAT IS ZIMMER. AS MY TROUSER TRUNCHEON EXPANDED, DEMOLISHING WALLS AND DISPATCHING THE INTERNS WHO ATTEMPTED TO ESCAPE WITH THEIR LIVES RATHER THAN THROW THEMSELVES AT THE MERCY OF MY THROBBING FLESH MISSLE. MOMENTS LATER MY PHALLUS HAD KNOCKED OUT MANY OF THE BUILDING'S SUPPORT BEAMS AND THE FLOORS OVERHEAD CRASHED DOWN, THE FORCE OF THEIR MOMENTUM CAUSING THE ENTIRE BUILDING ITSELF TO COLLAPSE IN A NIGHTMARISH MANNER NOT UNLIKE A FAMOUS DISASTER FROM A FEW YEARS AGO. RISING FROM THE RUBBLE, WITH THE STUNNING BOARD MEMBER STILL ON THE TIP OF MY GOD-SHLONG CRYING ALOUD FOR MERCY, HER SUIT AS WELL AS MINE UTTERLY RUINED BY THE AFFAIR, AS WELL AS A DOZEN OTHERS STILL CLINGING TO THE SHAFT. i LET OUT A THUNDERING ROAR AND LET SPEW FORTH MY SEED WITH SUCH AWE-INSPIRING FORCE THAT THE LOAD SHATTERED THE SOUND BARRIER, VAPOURIZING MY LUSTY ASSOCIATE, CRUSHING EVERYONE IN SIGHT AND SHATTERING EVERY WINDOW IN A 5-MILE RADIUS. IN THE AFTERMATH, STANDING NAKED AND COVERED IN CEMENT DUST, AND SMILING CONTENTLY AT THE DEMOLISHED, SEMEN-COVERED RUINS BEFORE ME, I SPOTTED A SMALL DOG, STUMBING IN THE DEBRIS, ITS EARS BLEEDING AND GASPING FOR BREATH IN THE HUMID MUSK. I COULDN'T HELP MYSELF. WITH A LOUD THUD MY ELEPHANTINE MAN-HAMMER HAD CRUSHED THE ANIMAL LIKE A THICK, MEATY FLYSWATTER. I GUARANTEE IT. Luncheon HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. I RECIEVED YOUR MEMO CONCERNING LAST WEEKS LUNCHEON, AND I MUST SAY I REALLY ENJOYED MYSELF. YOUR SISTER, WHO APPARENTLY DECIDED TO ATTEND THE PARTY WEARING A STUNNING SILK DRESS, GAVE MY GARGANTUAL ENORMOUS PULSATING COLUMN OF FLESH NO OTHER CHOICE BUT TO EXTEND AND ERECT TO ITS FULL POTENTIAL, THE SIZE OF WHICH I CAN HARDLY EXPRESS IN WORDS. AT THE SIGHT OF MY IMMENSE MEAT HAMMER, I FOUND YOUR SISTER BEGGING AND MOANING, ON HER KNEES, FOR JUST ONE TASTE OF MY ZIMMER SPECIAL. THE RESULT WAS INEVITABLE; YOUR SISTER WAS INSTANTLY BLOWN ACROSS THE ROOM AS MY COLOSSAL HOSE EXPLODED IN A TORRENT OF MY DNA PUDDING. IT TOOK HER 2 HOURS TO REMOVE THE THICK LAYER OF MY SPECIAL NUT BATTER FROM HER FACE, AND EVEN THOUGH I STRONGLY DISCOURAGED IT, SHE DECIDED TO CONSUME THE ENTIRE QUANTITY OF MY HE-SALSA, THE VOLUME OF WHICH COULD EASILY FILL A INDUSTRIAL SIZED FUEL TANK. I GUARANTEE IT. Your Mom I HAVE A SIMILAR STORY TO SHARE WITH YOU CONCERNING YOUR MOTHER. IT HADN'T CROSSED MY MIND, BUT DURING YOUR ORIENTATION SESSION HERE AT MEN'S WEARHOUSE INC., YOUR MOTHER, WHO ALSO ATTENDED ALONG WITH YOU THAT VERY DAY, PASSED ME A NOTE, WHICH I DO NOT RECALL IN ITS ENTIRETY. SOMETHING ABOUT "I WILL GIVE YOU MY LIFE IN EXCHANGE FOR EXPERIENCING THAT WHICH EVERY MAN, WOMAN, AND CHILD ON THIS EARTH PRAYS EVERY DAY TO EXPERIENCE; GETTING FUCKED IN THE MOUTH BY YOUR THROBBING MASSIVE COLUMN OF FLESH". I COULD NOT DISCOURAGE THIS WOMAN, SO IN A FLASH, MY DAPPER TIGHT PANTS EXPLODED AS MY BEHEMOTH OF LOVE UNLEASHED ITSELF TOWARDS YOUR MOTHER'S GAPING UTERUS, WHICH SHE HAD SUBMITTED TO MY MEAT MISSILE THE MOMENT SHE REALIZED HER LIFE GOAL HAD BEEN REALIZED. I FEEL IT IS AN APPOPRIATE TIME NOW TO LET YOU KNOW THAT YOUR MOTHERS DEATH 5 YEARS AGO WAS NOT DUE TO A TERRORIST ATTACK DURING THE ORIENTATION PARTY, IN WHICH YOUR MOTHER WAS BLOWN APART BY AN RPG; RATHER THE SHEER SIZE OF MY THROBBING MAMMOTH-LIKE MISSILE WAS TOO MUCH FOR HER BODY TO SUPPORT, DESPITE HER ARGUABLY SIZEABLE ANUS. THAT, ALONG WITH THE SUBSEQUENT TORRENTIAL FLOOD WHICH INSTANTLY FILLED HER BODY WITH MY CREAMY MAN JUICE, AND WHICH THE SHEER VOLUME OF ITS CONTENT RESULTED IN THE GOOEY MATTER GUSHING OUT OF EVERY ORIFICE IN HER BODY. I GUARANTEE IT. 9/11 HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MENS WEARHOUSE. 9/11 WAS A LIE. THERE WERE NO TOWEL HEADS. THERE WAS NO AIRPLANE. IN TRUTH I WAS VISITING THE BIG APPLE, SO AS TO COMPARE MY GARGATUAIN MEAT TRAIN TO IT AND LAUGH AT THE GASPING NEW YORKERS AS I POUNDED THEIR MELOVED NAMESAKE INTO BIG APPLE SAUCE. HAVING NOT GOTTEN RELEASE FROM MY CULLENARY EXERISIZE, I MIANDERED DOWN THE STREET WITH MY VIRAL BLOOD ENGORGED SEWER PIPE OUT IN FRONT OF ME LIKE A BLIND MAN'S CANE, LOOKING FOR A HOLE IN THE BACK SIDE OF A WOMAN(S) TO STRETCH BEYOND HUMAN LIMITS. I SPOTTED AT THAT VERY MOMENT AN ATRACTIVE FEMALE IN A MINISKIRT WAVING AT ME. I SLAPED HER TO THE GROUND WITH MY HUMONGOUS PHALUS AND QUICKLY RAVISHED HER SKIRT LIKE A RABID DOG ON A BABY MADE OF STEAK. THE SITE THAT AWAITED ME BOTH SHOCKED AND ENRAGED ME. AFTER SEEING THIS "WOMAN"'S RAISN SIZED WINKY WINKLER, I VOMITED DOWN HIS THROAT THEN PENETRATED HIS ESAPHAGUS, RIPED OUT HIS SPINE AND PEELED HIS CORPS FROM OFF MY MONEY MAKER. TO TEACH ALL OF NEW YORK A LEASON FOR LETTING THIS FLAMMING FAG BAG LIVE, I LET LOOSE A SEMENAL FLOOD OF BIBLICAL PROPORTIONS UPON THE TOWERS OF TWO (AT WHICH'S SMALL SIZE I LAUGHED LIKE A CLOWN RAPING AN 8 YEAR OLD) WHICH CAUSED THEM TO COME CRASHING DOWN LIKE ME AFTER A WEEKEND METH BINGE. I MOCKED THE NEW YORKERS AND MADE NIGGER JOKES AS THEY RAN FROM MY EVER EXPANDING CLOUD OF SPERMAZOA, MASTURBATING TO THE LOOKS OF HORROR ON THEIR FACES. THE GOVERNMENT, IN AN ATTEMPT TO SAVE FACE AND BECASUE THEY HATE ARABS MORE THAN JEWS, PAINTED A BOEING 747 ON MY GIGANTIC COCK AND CALLED IT A TERROIST ATTACK. THE FEELING OF PAINTBRUSHES ON MY DICK MADE ME COME AGAIN, AND PRESIDENT BUSH SNORTED UP EVERY DROP BECAUSE HE THOUGHT IT WAS COKE. I GUARANTEE IT. The Real George Zimmer, Part III HI, I'M THE REAL GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. WHILE THAT LAST POST WAS UNDOUBTEDLY WELL-WRITTEN, IT LACKED THE FINER ELEMENTS OF STYLE THAT MAKE MY DELICIOUS ANAL PILLAGINGS SO ENJOYABLE. JUST THE SIGHT OF MY RAKISH COUNTENANCE CAN SEND WOMEN INTO EXPLOSIVE, MIND-NUMBING FITS OF ORGASM LONG BEFORE I PULL OUT MY MAJESTIC PLEASURE PISTON AND RAM IT DOWN THEIR GASPING THROATS. IN JUST A FEW MINUTES THEY'VE GOT A BELLYFUL OF STEAMING-HOT MAN SHAKE AND I'M OFF TO POST IN /B/, WHERE MY PRESENCE IS ALWAYS WELCOME. I GUARANTEE IT. Wannabes HI I'M GEORGE ZIMMER FOUNDER AND CEO OF MEN'S WAREHOUSE. IF YOU LOW-LIFE WANNABE COCK PHEASANTS CONTINUE TO SHATTER MY GOOD NAME WITH HORRID AND TASTELESS ANECDOTES I WILL FORCE MY COLOSSAL SPERM-WHALE UP YOUR SHIT CHUTE SO FAR THAT YOUR ANCESTORS IN HEAVEN WILL HAVE THEIR TEETH KNOCKED OUT FROM BEHIND. AS MY HUGE SUPER CENTIPEDE GOES THROUGH YOUR INTERNAL ORGANS UP YOUR MOUTH AND INTO THE HEAVENS ABOVE. AS ALL THE ANGELS EXCLAIM AT THE COLOSSAL NATURE OF MY MAN WORM. ALL OF THEM TAKING PICTURES OF IT TO RECORD THE DAY THAT YOU SOILED THE NAME OF GOOD GEORGE ZIMMER! I GUARANTEE IT. Sister in the Alley HI... I'M GEORGE ZIMMER - FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. A WEEK AND A HALF AGO IN AN ALLEY BEHIND HER WORKPLACE I THRUST MY INHUMANLY TURGID MEMBER INTO YOUR SISTER'S ANAL CAVITY. AS MY GARGANTUAN MEAT SPEAR PENETRATED HER BUTT PIPE SHE SCREAMED AND FAINTED, SMASHING HER FACE AGAINST THE HARD ASPHALT OF THE ALLEY. I FLIPPED HER OVER AND PULLED MY LOG OUT, TAKING CARE NOT TO GET BLOOD ON MY AMAZINGLY DAPPER SUIT AND THEN PROCEEDED TO FIRE MY JIZZ ROCKET ONTO HER GLASSES AND PUCKERED NIPPLES. PROMPTLY AFTER SHOVING HER IN THE TRUNK OF MY LEXUS I DROVE OFF INTO THE DARK NIGHT ONLY TO DROP HER OFF AT A REST STOP MOTEL WITH $1.50 IN CHANGE TO CALL A CAB. SHE ENDED UP TAKING A SUB HOME WHILE CALLING ME 6 TIMES ON MY CELL PHONE. WHEN I ANSWERED ALL I HEARD WAS WIMPERING AND A LOW MOAN. I GUARANTEE IT. Magic HI, I�M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN�S WEARHOUSE. MAGIC? I�LL BET THE LAST TIME YOU GOT ANYWHERE NEAR MAGIC IN BED YOU WERE SHOVING TWENTY-SIDED DICE UP YOUR ASS WHILE YOU JERKED YOUR TINY WAND TO YOUR MAGIC: THE GATHERING DECK. SOUNDS TO ME LIKE YOU NEED A MEGA-DOSE OF ZIMMER-BRAND MASCULINITY. I�LL COVER YOUR HAPLESS, EFFEMINATE FORM IN A THREE FOOT DEEP LAYER OF WHITE-HOT BABY BROTH FROM MY IMMINENTLY IMPRESSIVE ZIMMER PLEASURE PYTHON. YOU�LL BEG ME FOR A SECOND COMING, AND I�LL OBLIGE YOU, PUMMELING YOU IN EVERY ORIFICE. YOU�LL AWAKEN IN THE HOSPITAL, YOUR TEETH BROKEN OFF AT THE GUM LINE AND WITH SEVERE BLOOD LOSS FROM YOUR ANUS. BUT YOU�LL STILL CALL ME TO BEG FOR MORE. I GUARANTEE IT. Sex with Zimmer: Serious Business HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MENS WAREHOUSE. RECENTLY, I WAS APPROACHED BY QUITE A LUCIOUS LOOKING LADY PERSON. HER BINDING BUST FIGURE IMMEDIATLY FORCED MY TWITCHING GARGANTUAN MAN CANNON TO RAPIDLY EXPAND TO DIVINE ELEPHANTINE DIMENSIONS. THE LADY IN QUESTION, WHO'S BEAUTY WAS ONLY MATCHED BY THAT OF MY COLLOSSAL DOWNSTAIRS DOWEL, WAS ASTOUNDED AND THUS PROCEEDED TO STARE INTENTLY AT MY INTENSIFYINGLY TITANTIC LUST LOG OF INFINITE SEXUAL DESIRE AS IT OBILTERATED MY FINE UNDERWEAR AND TROUSERS CUNNINGLY CONSTRUCTED BY MY DIGNIFIED CHAIN OF RETAILERS. SHE WAS SO FLABBERGASTED AT THE SHEER SIZE AND GRANDEUR OF MY MAGNIFICENT AND IMPRESSIVE ZIMMER BATON THAT I UNDRESSED HER FINE SKIRT AND UNDERWEAR GARMENTS WITH MY PSYCOKINETIC EYES AND SLAMMED MY GIANT OMINOUS VEINY WHALE INTO THE CREVACE OF HER ORIFICE AND DISCHARGED AN ARMY OF MINITURE DAPPER ALBINO BOSNIANS TO COAT THE INSIDES OF HER ANAL CAVITY WITH ONLY THE FINEST SMELLING ZIMMER PROTEIN PACKED PENILE PRODUCE. ONCE I HAD FINISHED WITH THE PUPPYLIKE WHORE, I STAMPED MY NOW ALMOST FLACID STOPCOCK OF JOY AGAINST THE GROUND AND CHARGED INTO THE NIGHT SKY WITH THE ROCKET FUEL OF A THOUSAND GODS TO CONTINUE MY CRUSADES OF MEAT CLOBBERIN'. I GUARANTEE IT. Your Girlfriend HELLO I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, CEO AND FOUNDER OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. TONIGHT I WAS BEATING YOUR GIRLFRIEND'S HEAD AGAINST HER BEDROOM WALL WITH MY GIGANTIC RAMROD AND AS SHE DEEP-THROATED MY MAN-MEAT I REALIZED THAT IT WAS TIME FOR THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE ANNUAL SALE. ONCE I FILLED HER ESOPHAGUS UP WITH MY AMAZING AMOUNT OF BABY BUTTER I HEADED OUT TO OUR STORES TO REMIND CUSTOMERS THAT OUR SUITS FIT WELL AND ARE CHEAPER THAN THE COMPETITION, LIKE YOUR MOTHER'S COCK RECEPTICLE. IT BARELY FITS MY ROLLING PIN OF PLEASURE, BUT EVENTUALLY I BANG HER SO HARD THAT IT BECOMES A CUSTOM FIT, LIKE THE SERVICE AT ANY OF OUR NATIONWIDE LOCATIONS. SHE BEGS ME NIGHTLY TO FILL HER WITH COCK-JUICE LIKE HOW YOU'LL BE BEGGING FOR THE AMAZING SAVINGS WE OFFER AT THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. I GUARANTEE IT. Halloween HI IM GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MENS WEARHOUSE. IT WAS THE NIGHT OF THE 31ST ALSO KNOWN AS HALLOWEEN, WHEN MANY PEOPLE OF THE YOUNG VARIETY GO AROUND IN SHITTY COSTUMSES AND GETTING FREE CANDY INSTED OF BEING AT HOME AND HAVING WILDY ORGIES . THERE I WAS IN MY ZIMMERMOBILE, RUNNING OVER THE POOR LADS AND LASSES IN THEIR $20.00 COSTUMES FORM WAL-MART, WHEN I SUDDENLY SPOTTED A FINE, BLONDE WOMAN WITH BREASTS THAT WERE AS BIG AS THE CANDY BOWL SHE HAD IN HER HANDS, HANDING OUT CANDY FROM A LOVELY, BRICK HOUSE IN THE SUBURBS. I THEN STOPPED MY ZIMMERMOBILE, MY ENORMUS MEAT DRILL POKING OUT MY PANTS AT THE SIGHT OF THE VOLUPTUOUS WOMAN. SHE HAD THEN ASKED ME THE SAME QUESTION SHE HAD ASKED OTHER KIDS TAHT CAME BY ONLEY FOR CHEAP CANDY WHICH WAS, 'WHO ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO ME AND WHAT IS YOUR TRICK?' LAUGHING AT THE STUPID COMMENT SHE HAD SAID, I THEN KNOCKED OVER THE CANDY BOWL SHE WAS HOLDING BETWEEN HER 2 FLESH BASKETBALLS, FORECEFULY SMACKED HER AND BENT HER OVER WITH MY ROD OF MEN, AND THEN TOOK OFF MY BUSINESS PANTS AND SHOWED HER MY SPECIAL TRICK BY DEFILING HER OVARIES AND MAKING HER SCREAM WITH EXCITEMENT WITH THE RHYTHM OF MY GIANT COCK. AS SOON AS I FELT THE POINT OF CLIMAX, I THEN PROCEEDED TO SQUIRT MY GOOEY NOUGAT CREAM ALL OVER HER LIVING ROOM. WHEN THE KIDS HAD ARRIVED AT HER HOUSE, THEY THOUGHT MY EJACULATORY FLUID WAS NOUGAT CANDY AND ATE IT. OF COURSE, I WAS ALREADY GONE AND SPEEDING AWAY IN MY ZIMMERMOBILE LOOKING FOR ANOTHER FINE LASS TO SHOW MY GREAT HALLOWEEN TIRCK TO. I GUARANTEE IT. Ashlee HI... I'M GEORGE ZIMMER - FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. ASHLEE, I'D LIKE TO BEAT YOUR CHEST WITH MY ENORMOUSLY HEAVY, THROBBING PELVIC CROCODILE UNTIL I GEYSER A HUGE WATERFALL OF STICKY BABY DRESSING ON YOUR FACE. I'LL MOP IT UP WITH MY THICK HEAD AND SLAP IT ON YOUR LIPS SO THEY DON'T CHAP. YOU'LL CUM SO HARD YOUR DOWNSTAIRS NEIGHBORS WILL NEED TO CHANGE THEIR SHEETS. I GUARANTEE IT. Comparing Sizes HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MENS WEARHOUSE. OBVIOUSLY, YOU PEOPLE CANNOT MATCH TO MY GREAT URETHA MOUTAIN TO YOUR PUNY FLESH WRINKLES SO YOU ALL DECIDE TO TRY AND 1-UP ME. I AM HERE TO TELL YOU THAT WILL BE POSSIBLE AS PLEASURING A GREAT HUMPBACK WHALE. GOOGLE_QUEEN, SINCE YOU'RE SO SMART AS YOU ELEQUENTLY SAY SO YOURSELF, YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT INDIVDIUALITY IS A MATTER OF BEING DIFFERENT. JUST BECAUSE I HAVE FUN DEFILING BEAUTIFUL YOUNG FEMALS AND CASUING HAVOC DOES NOT MAKE ME SICK AS IT IS ALL A MATTER OF OPINION. SAYING 'YOU NEED TO GET A LIFE' IS IMPLYING THAT YOU WANT ME TO LIVE A LIFE LIKE YOURS AS A LIFE, LIKE INDIVIDUALITY, WILL ALWAYS BE DIFFERENT. I GUARANTEE IT. Meteor HI, I�M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN�S WEARHOUSE. I AM IMPRESSED THAT SOMEONE SO OBVIOUSLY INCAPABLE OF BIPEDAL MOVEMENT DUE TO THE ENORMOUS ROLLS OF FLESH SURROUNDING YOU IS CAPABLE OF TYPING AT ALL. I HAVE A SET OF TRIPLETS NIBBLING AT MY CARNAL CORNUCOPIA; WHEN I CLIMAX, A DELICIOUS DELUGE OF DONG DROPPINGS WILL BE FLUNG INTO LOW EARTH ORBIT. A TEAM OF SCIENTISTS HIGHLY TRAINED IN THE EROTIC ART OF ALIGNING MY RAPACIOUS RAPE ROCKET WILL ENSURE THAT THIS QUALITY QUIM-CAULK QUINTESSENCE RE-ENTERS THE ATMOSPHERE AIMED EXACTLY AT YOUR ADMITTEDLY AMPLE FRAME. IF THE SIZZLING HEAT OF MY NIAGARA-LIKE TORRENT OF BOILING HOT FERTILITY FLUID DOESN�T KILL YOU, THE FACT YOU�LL BE TOO AROUSED TO DO MORE THAN INHALE IT DEEPLY WHILE TRYING VAINLY TO FIND A WAY TO REACH YOUR IMPRESSIVELY INSIGNIFICANT INCEST INCHWORM WILL. I GUARANTEE IT. Religion HI, I�M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN�S WAREHOUSE. YOUR MOTHER MAY HAVE BEEN BLESSED MORE TIMES BY THE SACRED WHITE RIVER OF MY PELVIC PALADIN, BUT THAT IS NO REASON TO GIVE ME THE GREEN EYE OF JEALOUSY, MY COCK-LOVING CAVALIER. BETWEEN US, TONIGHT WILL BE RELIGIOUS RAPTURE, FOR YOUR ANAL CLEFT SHALL BE MY GREAT SEA, AND I SHALL BE ITS MOSES, CLEAVING ITS MIGHTY CHOCOLATE OCEAN TO MAKE WAY FOR THE SAFE PASSAGE OF MY TESTICULAR TRIBE, HAVING BEEN GRANTED MEPHITIC FREEDOM FROM THE TYRANNY OF ENSLAVEMENT BEHIND A LOCKED PROSTATE. TO DO THIS, I WILL READY MY LONGIUS TO PIERCE YOUR BACKSIDE�S SACRED DOMAIN � YOU WILL SCREAM FIRST IN PAIN, THEN IN PASSION AS ITS STEEL-LADEN GIRTH STRETCHES AND RIPS THE FABRIC OF YOUR MORTAL INNARDS, DISIMBUING YOU OF YOUR CONSCIOUSNESS, LEADING YOU TO A HEAVEN, THEN REVIVING YOUR FEELING OF PHYSICAL REALITY LIKE A ONCE-CRUCIFIED JESUS RETURNING TO EARTH. I GUARANTEE IT. The Real Zimmer, Part IV HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. I AM AWARE OF THE MADE UP DECLARATIONS ABOUT ME THAT HAVE RECENTLY BEGUN TO APPEAR ON THE INTERNET AND IN EMAILS AS "GEORGE ZIMMER FACTS." I'VE SEEN SOME OF THEM. SOME ARE FUNNY. SOME ARE PRETTY FAR OUT. BEING MORE A STUDENT OF THE ESTENSIBLE ELEPHANTIC EVIRGINATOR THAT THE WILD WORLD OF THE INTERNET, I'M NOT QUITE SURE WHAT TO MAKE OF IT. IT'S QUITE SURPRISING. I GUARANTEE IT. I DO KNOW THAT CEOs WILL BE CEOs, AND I NEITHER TAKE OFFENSE NOR TAKE THIS THINGS TO SERIOUSLY. WHO KNOWS, MAYBE THIS MADE UP ONE-LINERS WILL PROMPT YOUNG PEOPLE TO SEEK OUT THE REAL FACTS ABOUT MY PUBIC PUNISHING PELVICATOR AS FOUND IN MY RECENT AUTOBIOGRAPHICAL BOOK, 'YOU'RE GOING TO LIKE THE WAY YOUR DING DONG DICKY LOOKS'? THEY MAY BE EVEN BE INTERESTED ENOUGH TO CHECK OUT MY NOVELS SET IN THE MEN'S WAREHOUSE, THE PELVIC RIDERS, RELEASED THIS MONTH. I'M VERY PROUD OF THESE EFFORTS. I GUARANTEE IT. Yellowstone HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, CEO AND FOUNDER OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. ONE LATE EVENING, AS I WAS YODELING INTO THE CAVERNOUS COOCH OF MY COHABITATION PARTNER, I HAD A BRIGHT IDEA - TO STROKE MY MASSIVE MANLY MEATSICLE OVER THE BURNING FORESTS OF YELLOWSTONE. FIRE SUPPRESANT MAY NOT STOP THE RAGING FLAMES, BUT MY COLLOSAL COCK CONGLOMERATE WOULD. DOUSING THE FLAMES IN GEORGE'S JOCKSTRAP JUICE WOULD CAUSE THE FLAMES TO IMMEDIATELY EXTINGUISH, LEAVING NOTHING BUT TREES AND SLICK SACK SAUCE WITHIN THE PINES. WHILE WOODLAND ANIMALS WOULD NOT SURVIVE THE TORRENTIAL RAINS OF MY SUPER SPOOGE SYRUP, THE FOREST RANGERS, IF FEMALE, WOULD BE VERY APPRECIATIVE. I GUARANTEE IT Dance Dance Revolution I, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF MEN'S WEARHOUSE. ON A RECENT BUSINESS TRIP TO TOKYO, I FOUND MYSELF IN A VIDEO ARCADE, WHERE ONE OF THE LOCAL TEENAGE BOYS WAS ATTEMPTING TO MAKE UP FOR HIS UNFATHOMABLY TINY TWAT TACKLE BY PLAYING "DANCE DANCE REVOLUTION" IN FRONT OF A GROUP OF JIGGLY-CHESTED JAPANESE JAILBAIT. SCOFFING AT HIS SCANDALOUSLY SIMPLISTIC SKILLS, I PROCEDED TO LIBERATE MY TWITCHING TESTICULAR TRUNCHEON AND SWING ITS PRECIPITOUS POUNDAGE INTO THE YOUTH'S FACE, CRUSHING HIS SKULL AND FREEING THE MACHINE. I THEN ACHIEVED A RATING OF "AAA" ON THE SONG "MAX 300" USING ONLY THE RAPID RIPPLING OF MY RAUCOUSLY RIGID RAPEROD. NEEDLESS TO SAY, THE WET-PANTIED WOMANLY WATCHERS WERE ALREADY IN THE THROES OF PASSION FROM THE OVERPOWERING SCENT OF MY TORPID TESTOSTERONE TUBE, SO I LET THEM GATHER 'ROUND FOR A GROUP HUG OF THE GARGANTUAN GIRTH OF MY GORGEOUS GUY-GIRDER BEFORE CONQUERING EACH OF THEIR QUIXOTICALLY QUIVERING QUIMS WITH A FURIOUS FOUNTAIN OF FROTHING FUCK-FOAM. MY HIGH SCORE HAS NEVER BEEN BEATEN. I GUARANTEE IT. Chuck Norris HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. I'D BEEN HEARING ALOT LATELY ABOUT THE MERITS OF THIS CHUCK NORRIS FELLOW, SO I THOUGHT I'D PAY HIM A VISIT- ZIMMER STYLE. AS I APPROACHED HIS HOUSE, I HEARD A TWIG SNAP BEHIND ME AND THEN OUT OF NOWHERE CAME THE LEG OF THE ONE AND ONLY CHUCK NORRIS. LUCKILY MY REFLEXES WERE TOO FAST FOR HIM. MY MASSIVE MASCULINE MEAT-PIPE BURST FORTH FROM MY FINELY-TAILORED TROUSERS, ENSNARING HIS LEG WITH THE POWER OF A THOUSAND ANACONDAS. HIS ONCE POWERFUL INSTRUMENT OF DEATH THUSLY DESTROYED, HE WAS COMPLETELY POWERLESS. I DECIDED THAT THAT UGLY MUG OF HIS WAS NOT UP TO ZIMMER STANDARDS, SO I DETERMINED TO DELIVER A MAKEOVER HE WOULDN'T SOON FORGET. HE BEGAN TO CRY LIKE A KITTEN UNDER A STEAMROLLER AS MY PULSATING PELVIC PILEDRIVER DELIVERED BLOW AFTER BLOW TO HIS EVER-SOFTENING SKULL. AS I FINISHED OFF MY FLESH-SCULPTURE, I REALIZED THAT I HAD FORMED HIS HEAD INTO THE SHAPE OF DEVIL'S TOWER. THE SHOCK CAUSED ME TO LET FORTH A FLOOD OF CAUSTIC COD CREME THAT BURNED OFF THAT RIDICULOUS STUBBLE HE CALLS A BEARD. HE'S UNCONCIOUS NOW, BUT HE'LL SOON WAKE UP. HE'S GONNA LIKE THE WAY HE LOOKS. I GUARANTEE IT. Mentally Handicapped McDonald's Employee HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. MANY YEARS AGO, A MENTALLY HANDICAPPED MCDONALDS EMPLOYEE PILFERED AN OUTRAGEOUSLY DAPPER SUIT FROM MY ILLUSTRIOUS STORE AND WRONGFULLY CLAIMED IT AS HIS OWN. INSULTED BY HIS DISHONESTY, MY MASSIVE MANHOOD MISSILE TORE OUT OF MY FRESHLY TAILORED PANTS, AND VICIOUSLY SLAMMED HIM INTO PAVEMENT, RATTLING HIS BONES AND SEVERING HIS FORESKIN. THE LOOKS OF INNOCENCE, ABJECT TERROR, AND PURE SADNESS IN HIS EYES EMOTIONALLY AND CHEMICALLY UNITED AND FORMED AN APHRODISIAC WHICH EMANATED FROM HIS VERY SOUL. AROUSED BY THIS DISPLAY AND WITH MY OBLITERATED PANTS LAID STREWN AROUND MY ANKLES, I CHARGED AT HIM WITH THE FEROCITY OF A FEMALE GRIZZLY BEAR PROTECTING ITS YOUNG. THE BEWILDERED YET FRIGHTENED LOOK THAT GRACED HIS TEAR-COVERED, DOWN'S SYNDROME-SHAPED FACE AS MY PULSATING POWER PUMP RUSHED TO MEET HIS FACE HAS CAUSED AND WILL CONTINUE TO CAUSE ME UPROARIOUS, RUMBLING LAUGHTER FOR MANY DECADES TO COME. SCARED AND HELPLESS, HE BEGAN TO WADDLE AWAY BUT ALAS, HIS EFFORTS WERE FUTILE. BEFORE HE COULD STUMBLE AWAY FROM MY GRASP, I CLOSED THE DISTANCE BETWEEN US WITH MY MASSIVE, MENACING MEMBER, AND HE SOON GOT A TASTE OF MY COLLOSSAL CUM CANNON AS IT SMASHED INTO HIS CRANIUM, WHICH WAS QUITE PUNY BY COMPARISON. THE FORCE OF MY CYCLOPEAN CUNT CLOBBERER SENT HIM HURTLING ACROSS THE ROOM, THROUGH SEVERAL DESKS, AND FINALLY CAUSED HIM TO SLAM HEADFIRST INTO A DISPLAY OF MY DELIGHTFULLY DAPPER SUITS. I VAULTED OVER TO HIM WITH THE HELP OF MY PULSATING PYTHON OF POON-POUNDING, AND THEN LIFTED HIM UP AND PINNED HIM AGAINST THE ORNATELY-DECORATED CEILING WITH THE HEAD OF MY CAREFULLY MANUEVERED CERVIX CRUSADER. AS I WATCHED ALL HOPE DISSAPPEAR FROM HIS GRIEF-STRICKEN FACE, I BESPATTERED HIM WITH A DELUGE OF MASTERFULLY SPREAD MANJUICE, DROWNING HIM IN MY RICH PROTEIN SHAKE AND CORRUPTING HIS SOUL. THE COPIOUS AMOUNT OF CORN SYRUP RUSHING FORTH FROM MY PULSATING, POWER-PACKED PLACENTA POKER QUICKLY FLOODED MY STORE AND RAISED THE EARTH'S SEA LEVEL BY APPROXIMATELY 10 PERCENT. BILLIONS OF PEOPLE GASPED FOR AIR AS THEY DROWNED IN LEGIONS OF MY STIFLINGLY SUBSTANTIAL SEED, AND MANY YEARS AFTER THIS INCIDENT, THE BODY OF THE MENTALLY HANDICAPPED MCDONALDS EMPLOYEE HAS NOT BEEN RECOVERED. I GUARANTEE IT. Virginity HI I�M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN�S WEARHOUSE. MY FIRST TIME WAS FANTASTIC. A YOUNG GIRL WAS SUMMONED TO MY PRIVATE CHAMBERS, DEEMED WORTHY TO BE THE FIRST CONQUEST OF THE NEW ZIMMER HEIR. I REACHED MY FULL RAGING HEIGHT WITHIN SECONDS AS BLOOD FLOODED INTO MY FEMUR-SIZED FLOOR BREAKER. THE HALF TERRIFIED GIRL QUIVERED WITH ANTICIPATION AS I SHED MY SUIT, THE PINACLE OF TAILORING TRIUMPH. BEFORE SHE COULD SCREAM WITH FEAR OR DELIGHT, I HAD ALREADY MANUEVERED WAIST DEEP INTO HER AS YET UNTOUCHED FEMININE FLOWER. I PLOWED HER PASSION PERSIMMON WITH THE INTENSITY OF A MASSIVE BULL STALLION. SHE WAS HELPLESS TO RESIST THE SUCCESSIVE WAVES OF INSEMINATING SENSUAL EXCTASY THAT EMANATED FROM MY MASSIVE MAN-CANNON. MY DEVASTING DAMSEL DESTROYER DEFTLY FILLED THE FULL LENGTH OF HER VAGINAL CAVITY. AFTER THIRTY TWO CONSECUTIVE HOURS OF PURE PUSSY POUNDING, I PROCEEDED TO PUMMEL HER POOPER WITH MY PATENTED PURE� OF POTENT PROGENY-MAKERS. THE WENCH WAS UNABLE TO WALK FOR WEEKS AFTER BEING SUBJECTED TO MY UNSTOPPABLE UNDERGARMENT DESTROYER. APPROACHING THE THIRD DAY OF RELENTLESS RAIDING OF HER WET WOMANHOOD, I FINALLY GAVE IN TO HER PLEAS FOR PAUSE. AS SHE ROSE TO LEAVE MY ROOM, I WHIPPED MY PRIME CUT OF POWERFUL POLE-MEAT ACROSS THE ROOM, AND FILLED HER WITH ENOUGH SEMEN TO GIVE HER A LIFETIME ZIMMER EXPERIENCE. THAT WOMAN WAS YOUR MOTHER. I GUARANTEE IT. The Real Zimmer, Part Five HI, I'M THE REAL GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WAREHOUSE. I AM ONE HUNDRED PERCENT COMMITTED TO SHOWING ASPIRING ZIMMERS SUCH AS THE ORIGINAL POSTER THE TOOLS OF THE TRADE. WITH MY PROVEN CRASH COURSE, HE'LL LEARN VOLUMES OF PAINFULLY ENFORCED KNOWLEDGE AS I CLUTCH 800 SOLID INCHES OF AUTHORITY INTO HIS TIGHTLY KNIT ASSHOLE. HE'LL GRADUATE AT THE TOP OF HIS CLASS WHILE I WEAVE A FINELY TAILORED 3-BUTTON ONE PIECE BUSINESS SUIT OUT OF HIS NUBILE, VIRGIN NETHER REGIONS. YOU TOO, CAN BE A ZIMMER. I GUARANTEE IT. Mrs. Zimmer HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, CEO AND FOUNDER OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. ONE DAY I WAS AT HOME, HELPING MY WIFE TO A HANDSOME HELPING OF MY HAIRY HOT DOG. AS SHE SQUIRMED BENEATH MY GENEROUS GIRTH, I NOTICED A FAMILIAR IMAGE ON THE TV - ME. AS I LEANED TOWARD THE TELEVISION, THE IMAGE OF MY DAPPER SUIT CAUSED MY LUSCIOUS LOINS TO PUMP INTO OVERDRIVE. I SMASHED INTO MY WIFE'S VAGINA LIKE TED KENNEDY OFF A PIER, AND SOON FOUND MYSELF REACHING ORGASM TO MY HANDSOME VOICE. I SHOT FORTH A GARGANTUAN GOURD OF GODLIKE GROUPINGS, SPLATTERING MY WIFE IN MORE EGG WHITE THAN A CHINESE COOK'S HANDS. I GUARANTEE IT. Supermarket HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WAREHOUSE. YESTERDAY I WAS STROLLING IN THE SUPERMARKET WHEN A FLIRTATIOUSLY FUCKABLE FEMALE CAUGHT A GLIMPSE OF THE BURLY BULGE IN MY BOXERS. AS SHE INTRODUCED HERSELF I ALREADY HAD HER HEAVENLY HOMOLOGOUS HIPS PINNED TO THE WALL WITH MY LIMBER LOCOMOTIVE OF LIBIDO. SHE MOANED WHILE MY SUMPTUOUS SEXY SERPENTINE SEMEN-SYRINGE VICIOUSLY VIOLATED HER VAGINA AFTER ASSAULTING AN ARRAY OF HER ORIFICES. WHEN I RETIRED FROM RAVAGING HER RAVENOUS RAVINES OF REPRODUCTION I PUMPED PINT AFTER PINT OF PALE PENIS-PUDDING DEEP INSIDE HER CAVERNOUS CUM-CRATER. SHE CAME SO HARD, THE STORE IS STILL FULL OF WET FLOOR SIGNS. I GUARANTEE IT. Miniskirt HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WAREHOUSE. ONE FINE DAY AS I WAS WALKING DOWN THE STREET I SPIED A WOMAN IN A MINISKIRT THAT WAS BENDING DOWN TO GET A NEWSPAPER. AS SHE DID I HAD A PERFECT ANGLE AT THOSE ROUND, WHITE, BEAUTIFUL, DAZZLING, FIRM ASS CHEEKS. IT WAS AT ABOUT THIS POINT THAT WHAT ONCE WAS A FLACCID APPENDAGE BETWIXT MY LEGS BECAME A QUIVERING YET RIGID BATON GENERATING ENOUGH HEAT THAT THE GRASS AROUND ME TURNED BROWN AND BURST INTO FLAMES. THE CHEAP VINYL PANELING MELTED ONTO ITSELF LIKE A 3RD DEGREE BURN. BEFORE SHE COULD GET AWAY I RAMMED MY SHILLELAGH INTO UNDULATING, PULSATING, CUNT ONLY FOR HER TO SPRAY MY CUDGEL DOWN WITH GALLONS OF HER GOODY-GOODY-PUSSY-GOO. WHEN IT WAS MY TURN TO SHOOT THE SHERBERT I THREW HER TO THE GROUND AND CAME ON HER BACK SO HARD IT SLID HER TWENTY FEET DOWN THE SIDEWALK AND WITH SUCH A VELOCITY THAT IT HAD THE EFFECT OF SANDBLASTING THE CONCRETE CLEAN OF DOGSHIT AND BUBBLE GUM. THE SCENT OF IT COULD BE SMELLED FOUR BLOCKS AWAY AND ANYONE WHO INHALED WAS INSTANTLY CURED OF ANY SINUS INFECTIONS THEY HAD. I GUARANTEE IT. Sexcapades HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. I COME BEARING YOU YET ANOTHER STORY OF SEXUAL ESCAPADES, TO BE FROM NOW ON KNOWN AS "SEXCAPADES" OF ME AND MY GOLDEN GARGANTUAN GASH GRINDER. THE STORY STARTS ABOUT THREE WEEKS TUESDAY AGO, I WAS CALMLY STROLLING THE CITY JUST OUTSIDE OF THE PARK, WHEN IN THE CORNER OF MY EYE I SAW A MOTHER BREAST FEEDING HER CHILD. NATURALLY WHEN I SEE A SIGHT I TURN THE OTHER CHEEK AND LET IT BE, BUT THIS, THIS WOMAN, I COULD NOT ALLOW THAT PRE-PLOWED PINK PLEASURE-HOLE TO BE TORTURED ANY LONGER, I FLEXED MY MIGHTY MAN MEAT MAULER SO IT'D RIP RIGHT THROUGH MY BRAND NEW SUIT PANTS AND AS MY TEN-TONNE TENTANOUS TORPEDO QUICKLY HASTENED TOWARDS HER BABY CANNON THERE WAS A BRIEF MOMENT OF SHOCK, AWE, FEAR, AND GRANDEUR. SHE HURLED THE BABY AWAY AND SPREAD WIDE HER LEGS FOR DOCKING, IT WAS MERE MINUTES BEFORE MY FLOPPING FLESH FLOUNDER LET LOOSE A GEYSER OF CONTINUOUS CORPULENT CHILD COCKTAIL. I THEN LEFT HER IN THE PARK COVERED, SHE STARTED SOBBING BECAUSE SHE KNOWS SO WELL SHE'LL NEVER GET THE EXPERIENCE AGAIN. I GUARANTEE IT. bel air HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WAREHOUSE NOW THIS IS THE STORY ALL ABOUT HOW EVERY PERSON IN THIS WORLD CAN�T RESIST MY PLOW AND I�D LIKE TO TAKE A MINUTE TO TALK ABOUT MY KIT YOU�LL LIKE THE WAY IT LOOKS�I GUARANTEE IT IN NEW YORK CITY, BORN AND RAISED POLISHING MY PISTOL�S HOW I SPENT MY DAYS FINGERING, TINKERING, TOUCHING UP MY TOOL CLEANING IT AND MAKING ALL THE LOVELY LADIES DROOL WHEN SUPERMAN FELL FROM THE SKIES ABOVE, SAID, �I CAN PWN YOUR PURPLE-HELMETED WARRIOR OF LOVE�. SO I GAVE HIM A TASTE OF MY PILE-DRIVING PLEXUS AND REALIZED, �I SHOULD MAKE MEN�S SUITS IN TEXAS�. I HAILED FOR A CAB AND WHEN IT CAME NEAR IT HAD A STICKER THAT SAID �OBJECTS SMALLER IN MIRROR�. SAID I TO THE CABBIE �I CAN PROVE THAT WRONG!� SO I SHOWED THE GOOD SIR MY SIZEABLE SCHLONG IT VERILY WAS A SIGHT THAT HE JUST COULDN�T QUIT AND THAT�S WHEN I FIRST PROCLAIMED, �I GUARANTEE IT!� I PULLED UP TO MY MANSION WITH A TRUCK OF WOMEN AND GAVE THEM ALL A TASTE OF MY OMNIPOTENT SEMEN LOOKED AT MY KINGDOM AND KNEW I WOULD FIT AND THAT�S HOW I CAME TO SAY, �I GUARANTEE IT�. mancano